• Prologue O HEM EFF GEE

    I was looking around my surroundings, noticing that I was floating. I took a deep breath, realized I couldn't see anything and fell. When I hit the ground, I rubbed my eyes and looked around, pure darkness, except for one small spec of light off in the distance. The light got closer, and closer, untill I finally saw a newt. A glowing newt. A glowing, flying newt... named Phillie. I didn't know if that was his name, but he just seemed like a Phillie, maybe a Joseph, but a bit more like a Phillie. He opened his mouth and let out a cute, tiny squeak, and then he poofed away in a cloud of smoke. The aroma of the smoke hit my nose, the smell was amazing... it made me gag. Where was I? I stared at where the newt had been, as I heard another, louder squeak behind me. I turned around and saw a gigantic light that let out a chorus of squeaks. Thousands among thousands of Phillies, they got closer and closer, advancing quickly... and I turned around, waited a second and started running for my life, and two seconds after I started, I fell through a hole in the ground, and kept falling and falling, untill the light of the Phillies went away.
    Chapter 1... Out of 1 Chapter...

    I landed on something soft and propped myself up on my shoulders and looked around.
    "Now how the hell did I get HERE?" I asked to the air in front of me, quite loudly.
    "Squeak!!!"
    "Phillie!!!" I yelped happily, as Phillie floated up to me and hung out near my shoulder. "What is this place?"
    "Squeak."
    I looked around again, this time I actually paid attention. A home from the 1700's... what the hell? I grabbed my newty companion, he squeaked. I walked through the door to a hall that had gigantic white pillars. It was HUGE-O-MUNGOUS, I shouted hello, phillie squeaked. As the awkward echo started to thin out, I heard somebody yell, "DO YOU MIND?!?!?"
    A fellow with crazily spiked, black hair in a hot-dog suit came waddling up to me and shouted "HOT-DOGS!!!! FRESH HOT HOT-DOGS!!!!" with no response.
    "Who are you?" I asked as Phillie squeaked
    "Oh, well who wants to know?" the guy asked.
    "Squeak?"
    "Well, obviously I do..." I said
    "Squeak!"
    "Oh, hey Phillie!" the guy screamed at my newt. "Remember me?... It's Hugh J Weiner, from high school... remember?"
    "Your name is Hugh J. Weiner?" I asked.
    "The J. stands for Jest." he said pointedly.
    "...So let me get this straight, your name is, Hugh Jest Weiner?" I asked skeptically. "Hmm... WHAT'S THE CAPITAL OF TURKMENISTAN!?"
    "Russia." he said confidently.
    "I'm eyeing you suspiciously." I said, eyeing him suspiciously.
    "Squeak..."
    I started to walk away from the absurd little Frank, and I noticed a sign on the left side of the hall, and it read as follows.

    You're never gonna get out
    Cuz You Suck
    And I Ownz00rz Joo
    Please enjoy these cool cacti

    I looked down and saw two of the coolest, most well-placed cicti I have ever seen.
    "What weird, oddly placed cacti." I said
    "Look, that one has a tuxedo, and that one has bongos!!!" said Mr. Weiner
    "Squeak!!!"
    "Squeak indeed," I replied to the smallish newt o' mine "but this is no time to get excited over two cacti."
    "I'm going to name this one Bliskin Musker Tuscon Tisker Jr... the third..." said the dude in the weiner suit, too entwined in the cacti to notice me.
    "Come on weiner guy, let's go," I said, towing him behind me, with him towing the cacti.
    "Heh, I just thought of something funny." I said "All of our names are ridiculous... I, Phillie, Mr. Weiner, Bliskin Musker Tuscon Tiker Jr. The Third, and Shwidt Shwidt Shwidt."
    "Shwidt Shwidt Shwidt? Oh, the tuxedo wearing one? Why did you get to name it?" He asked
    "Because my name when used in the tense it is frequently used in this story implies that I wrote this story, when in all actuality, this story is in third person," I said pointedly "And cuz im cool like dat."
    "Squeak???"


    Chapter 2... Of... 1 Chapter...

    "So we have two new members to our troupe..... what now?"
    "Shut up Mr. Weiner, first we have to find a way out of here.... Shwidt Shwidt Shwidt do you know any way out of here?"
    "Squeak!"
    "Your asking a cactus... wow your smart" Mr. Weiner laughed. I frowned and started looking for an exit, but I hered a shuffling noise from behind me and stopped.
    "WAKA WAKA"
    everyone turned to Shwidt Shwidt Shwidt. I stared at it for a second. "HA, NO WAY... CACTI CANT-" My thoughts were somewhat interrupted as Shwidt Shwidt Shwidt bounced past me. Bliskin Musker Tuscon Tisker Jr... the third started playing his bongos to the beat of the hops and followed along side Shwidt Shwidt Shwidt. I looked to Mr. Weiner, then Phillie, and ran to catch up to them, the newt and the hot dog followed suit. When I finally caught up to them I was out of breath and they were sitting in front of yet another large door, and waiting paitiently for us. I looked back and saw Phillie and Mr. Weiner slowly catching up. When they finally reached us, we opened the mysterious door.
    Inside we heard crying. Crying that was seemingly coming from a baby. I looked around... another old fashioned room. I sighed. "Will I ever get home?".
    There was a woman draped in a fine dress, holding a crying bundle of blankets in her hand. She sat nonchalantely as her fireplace cleaning maid cursed her life.
    "I'm so sick of this! Everyday that damn baby poops in the fireplace. You wouldnt even think it would be that hard to clean a fireplace!! But of course there always has to be SOMETHING!" she shouted as she hurled a plate at the lady (who was seemingly young). The woman dodged as if she did it everyday. Pate after plate was dodged by the woman. But not by myself or my new freinds, there was definately blood. Swidt Shwidt Shwidt hoped over to the lady, jumped and took her crying bundle and hoped off "WAKA WAKA!!!" I ran up to the maid and stole her plates.
    "NO, WE'RE NOT RIPPING OFF ALICE IN WONDERLAND!!" I yelled, trying to find something else for her to throw to make the story more original, and fun. "Here, take these ninja stars..."
    "Waka Waka" our cacti announced. We looked to where our cacti had ran to. He was standing next to the lady, sipping a martini and I heard a weird a** laugh coming from the lady. And then, all of a sudden the ground underneath me was gone, again, and I fell down a dark hole with Bliskin Musker Tuscon Tisker Jr The Third, Mr. Wiener and Phillie.
    "Drat, the newt got away AGAIN" She said furiously as she poofed away. The maid started cleaning another spot of the fireplace, and started to mumble to herself "Damn that crazy woman..."
    We fell for about a minute or so, and when we landed, I got up and rubbed my head. Even though I landed on my a**. "Hey Mr. Weiner..." I said as I walked around to get my a**-pain to go away.
    "Yeah?" Mr. Weiner replied "What is it?"
    "Shouldn't that have been the start of a new chapter?" I asked "You know, to leave the readers in suspense...?"
    "What do you mean chapter?" He asked suspiciously.
    "The chapters of this story... that we're currently in... for fruit's sake, what did you think the periods and quotation marks were for?"
    "I have no idea what you're talking about." he said suspiciously-er. "Please elaborate"
    "We have been in this sto-"
    "GET IN THE CAR!!!" he yelled at me while pointing at a wall
    "WE DON'T HAVE A CAR!!!"
    "Well then... GET IN THE TREE!!!" he yelled, pointing at a tree that was growing out of the wall.
    I looked at him for a few seconds, newt in hand, and started walking in the other direction with Bliskin Musker Tuscon Tisker Jr The Third. After about 36 hours (Le WTF?), we ended up in front of a door, and on the front of the door was a riddle, and it said.

    I live underwater
    And I'm a mammal
    And I'm called a dolphin
    What am I?

    I looked at the riddle for about 3 weeks (Le WTF-er?) and couldn't decipher it. Finally, after hitting my head with a lead pipe I found on the ground a few times, I figured it out. I yelled, the loudest I could. "KNARWHAL!!!"
    After about 5 seconds, I started losing hope, but then, the door screeched and opened.
    "AH-HAH" I said "I am the smartest person in the world.
    We started to make our way inside, at a very slow pace, and when we got inside, we noticed 3 portals lining the walls, and they each had plaques on them. One read "Tax Exemption", the second read "What Your Mother Looked Like In The 60's", and the last one read "Home"
    I thought about all of them for a second, and then I heard a voice coming from in back of me that said "JUST PICK ALREADY, EVERY WORD YOU USE TO ELABORATE THIS STORY COSTS ME 10 BYTES."
    Aided by this man's words, I made my decision. "Home it is" I said, grabbing my newt and walking towards the portal
    "Bye guys, I'm going to miss you all" I said to the cactus when I reached the portal. Looking at the cactus made me sad, because he started to cry, so I gave him a hug, and to make the pain feel less painful, I ran through the portal.

    Epilogue
    I opened my eyes and saw the ceiling of my room. My heart skipped a beat. I got up and looked around, my TV, my hamster cage filled with potatoes, my bathroom door, my second bathroom door, just in case my other bathroom door was locked, and my third bathroom door, just in case I didn't feel like using the other two. I turned my body, walked out into the hall and saw my mother, tentacles and all. Then I closed the door to my room, ran downstairs, looked out the window and saw all of my freinds playing in the yard, but when I opened the door, I started falling, and when I hit the ground, I rubbed my eyes and looked around, pure darkness, except for one small spec of light off in the distance. The light got closer, and closer, untill I finally saw a newt. A glowing newt. A glowing, flying newt... named Phillie. I got up, and yelled into the air "GOD DAMMIT!!!"

    The End, Untill I Decide To Make A Sequel