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The year is 2010. Humans are thriving in an ignorant world. But lurking in the shadows, is something, so terrifying, that the government has created a whole new division to contain this new threat. I am part of this organization. We are the Homeland Entity for the Retention Of Escaped Studies, or H.E.R.O.E.S. Our job is to track down and capture any of these... things, by any means necessary. I have a secret though. I am one of them.
Before the change, I had been a normal kid. Rowdy and fun. But my life has gotten serious ever since the day I changed. I had heard rumors of people that had been experimented on, and had changed, but I never dreamed they were true. Until my grandfather had told me about when he was in the Concentration Camps. He told me about all the secret experiments that were performed on the Jewish community. Even the ones that weren't told to the reporters, for fear of being tracked down and killed by the Nazis. And then they came. They burst through the windows and took my grandfather away. One of the men turned to me with some sort of gun in his hand. I heard a whooshing sound, and then everything turned black.
When I came to, I was in a cell. The walls were cement and there was one large steel door in the corner. I sat up in a cot, and subconsciously rubbed the back of my neck. A sudden shot of pain pierced where my hand touched the cool clammy flesh. I gasped and panted in pain. I jumped out of bed to the little mirror and sink in a corner of the room. I tried to see the back of my neck, but I couldn't. Then I heard a voice behind me.
"Ah. Your finally awake."
I whirled round. There was an old man sitting tied to a chair, on the other side of the cot, that's why I hadn't noticed him before. He looked haggard and beaten, with a grizzled beard. The smell coming off him was dreadful.
"Who are you?" I asked, "and where am I?"
He chuckled openly. That made me angry. I lunged forward and grabbed him by his neck.
"I'm going to ask you one more time," I whispered in his ear, "Where am I?"
He glared at me and muttered hoarsely, "You're in a containment facility just outside Barstow, California."
That was enough to make me loosen my grip. My arms fell to my sides, and I sat on the bed waiting for more.
He sighed and said, "My name Garrett Pulson, and I was captured four years ago."
I interrupted, "But who captured you? Why..." I broke off. He was glaring menacingly at me.
"Are you going to let me finish my story? You asked me, sonny, I can easily sit here quietly for a long time. By the way, what is your name boy?"
I looked down sheepishly and mumbled, Daren Moseby.
"Ah, I see. As I was saying, I was captured four years ago, in New York City. A group of their agents saw me reaching into a store window, and shot me with their sleeping pellets. When I awoke, I was in a van, chained to the wall with some strange glowing device, along with three other people. A young man, who looked furious and was trying to get free from a strange bubble wrapped around his hands. A woman, who looked dead in her eyes, and a normal-looking baby. I could only assume these were people with powers. I felt strangely at home with this strange group, which was funny because I hadn't had a home for many years." he smiled to himself, and I started to get annoyed again. "But this doesn't tell me anything about who these people are!"
"If you want to know, sit down, and shut up!" he barked at me. I folded my arms and huffed angrily.
"Now then, where was I. Oh yes..." he broke off. I looked up at him, and he was staring at the door. Suddenly it burst open. Soldiers wearing a gray uniform surged in and surrounded me and Garrett. One man stood out to me though. He was towering over the other soldiers, and wore a black uniform. He had gray hair pointed straight out to one side, and he looked like he was in his mid-forties. His body was thin, but muscular, and he had piercing blue eyes. Those eyes were looking straight at me. He barked an order at the soldiers, and one unhooked Garrett from the chair. He rubbed his wrists thankfully, but then they dragged him away. The rest of the soldiers hovered anxiously over me and the mysterious man, until he waved them out. He sat down in the chair Garrett had left for him, and leaned forward.
"Hello Daren. I am Colonel Reginold Magnus. You may refer to me as Colonel. As your new friend may have told you, we are an elite branch of the government that captures people. People with powers. And you are one of them."
This new information tried to enter my mind, but it was being rejected.
"I have, powers? No. What do you mean?"
"I mean, you have an ability. An ability that you got from your grandfather."
"Where is he? Where is my grandpa!"
"He is safe, for now. If you cooperate, there will be no reason to harm him. We need people like you on our team. People with powers, I mean. Our job is to capture dangerous individuals with powers. How are we supposed to do that if we ourselves don't have powers? That's where you come in."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. This man was crazy! He must be. Super powers? Get real. But then he said, "If you don't join us, we are going to have to kill you, and your dear grandpa."
What choice did I have? I didn't know what my powers were, but maybe this man could help. And that's how I joined H.E.R.O.E.S.
- by CaptainAwesome998 |
- Fiction
- | Submitted on 05/30/2009 |
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- Title: H.E.R.O.E.S.
- Artist: CaptainAwesome998
- Description: This is just part of a story I plan to write, and wanted some criticism. Tell me what you really think. Is my grammar off? Is the story boring or stupid? Is it too unrealistic, even for a fantasy story?
- Date: 05/30/2009
- Tags: heroes villians super powers
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Comments (4 Comments)
- The Master Demonslayer - 07/31/2009
- You really must have planned out that acronym. Anyway, the overall concept is good, and trust me, that is something that can almost happen compared to some of my works, so being unrealistic is nothing you should be concerned about. The beginning is jumpy, however, too much information thrown into the first paragraph with rough transitions. Smooth those out, delve into the characters, get the reader involved in the conflict, and keep the text color dark so it doesn't hurt the reader's eyes!
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- CaptainAwesome998 - 06/14/2009
- thank you so so much! i really like criticism! is that ender's game slang?
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- Light-Dark12 - 06/04/2009
- I agree with Kirayanash- and don't color the text it makes it hard to read.
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- Kirayanash - 05/31/2009
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very nice prologue?
that's what it is, ne? you have a good story in mind, but its speed is way too fast in the beggining. try to give a little bit more explanations on the characters and work on the paragraph transitions. Over all, you have a very original idea there. - Report As Spam