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Lisa turns her back to me. “Follow me.” She murmurs softly, and begins to walk briskly towards the door.
“Wait…!” I’m staggering right behind her. “Where are we going? What’s going on?”
She doesn’t hesitate, and I follow her out into the hallway. Her steps are quick and graceful, but I can sense some of her anxiety as she hurries on to wherever she’s taking me. My stomach is fluttering like crazy. I glance back over my shoulder down the long, empty hall behind us.
“Don’t worry. No one’s following us.”
The butterflies in my stomach twist into a knot. “Why would I worry about anybody following us?”
Instead of answering my question, she quickens her steps, and I change my pace to match hers. We turn an instant left and continue down a sunlit corridor lined with tall windows that stretch towards the high ceiling. The light casts our dark silhouettes onto the chipped concrete walls like shadow puppets. I’m guessing that it’s only a small amount of time before the day fades into evening. Thoughts of home begin to flood my head. What if I get home late? Grandma would freak.
“Lisa, please.” I attempt once more, trying to keep my voice low, so it won’t echo throughout the old building. “Where are we going?”
There’s a long, tense silence. Finally, she speaks. Three hushed word.
“The other side.”
I stiffen. I really hadn’t expected her to answer; she’s been so quiet. But when those three words left her lips, an eerie feeling came over me that began to override the butterflies. Something inside me whispers to stay quiet. I swallow nervously, but obey. We make one last right turn, and a large, wooden door comes into view at the end of the hallway. The exit. Amber sunlight shines through its small, dusty windows. The sun is setting fast.
As we approach the door, Lisa’s pace begins to slow. When she stops, she’s only a few inches away from the exit. Her stance is stiff and tense. I continue a few more steps until I’m standing right with her, looking into her eyes; trying to see past the blank, detached expression that rules over her face. It’s an odd mask to her soft features. Goosebumps begin to form on my skin and I start to wonder what’s triggering all these weird reactions.
“Have you ever wondered…?” Her voice is barely audible; It comes just above a whisper. My stomach begins to knot up again, tightly this time. “Have you ever wondered what it’s like…?”
There’s another pause. The silence weighs down on my shoulders. Before I can question her, she turns to face me. Her face is pale and grim, her dark, somber eyes burrowing heavily into mine. All blood drains from my face. I stare back. She takes my shaking hands.
“Have you ever wondered what it’s like… to die?”
- by Phell the Magnificant |
- Fiction
- | Submitted on 11/13/2010 |
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- Title: (Please Read Description)
- Artist: Phell the Magnificant
- Description: Okay, so this is just a random clip from a story that I'm trying to write. Sorry, it starts in the middle, since I haven't thought of a beginning yet. It also doesn't have much of a story yet, so it's not really exciting. XD I just wanted to see what people think of my writing style. Is it good? Too wordy? Not enough words? How can I improve? Thank you.
- Date: 11/13/2010
- Tags: demon days
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Comments (2 Comments)
- vv7722 - 07/22/2011
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It's wonderfully written, and I think there are just the right number of words smile I definitely want to know what happens next..
But, like you said, there's not very much action yet and I would advise adding some to this part, if it's the beginning of a chapter, because I feel like it didn't draw me in immediately. (Don't take that the wrong way though, your style of writing makes this clip very interesting!)
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- cgirl1234 - 11/13/2010
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nicely done sound gr8 it it ever becomes a real story and out in book stores i'd buy it
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