• I wanna start with telling you that I'll write mostly about love here... I know it's just a word, but my version of it. And I apologize for the walls of text. I often extend my thoughts unnecessarily much, but that's because I want to give you a general view of things, more than personal views

    I've never been the guy girls keep an extra, heartlooking eye at. Even if I was, I was too dumb to realize it, but basically; girls kept their distance to me. When I got a little older, say 15-16, I started to think about why I wasn't popular, so I began to ask my few male friends if they had any ideas. And they said they didn't know. It was the same with them... But at least they tried to get together with girls by talking with them. I never did that because I never knew what to tell them... I only talked to them when necessary, such as "what's the time?" or "have you seen him/her anywhere?" etc... So I decided to keep distance from "love" and try not to start to like people too much, in order to get a good view of it all.

    Then we moved away from that county, to the far south, almost to the southern coast of Sweden because my parents wanted to start business with horses, and most events/competitions were in the south of Sweden. I was 18 years old by then... And I lived there with my parents there and went to school until I was around 20 years old, whereafter I moved to an apartment in a nearby city, where I have lived now for a little over 2 years.

    A half year or so before I got this apartment, I quit school and got a job and could eventually afford a computer and I got myself some internetz once I moved in here, so that I could talk to the few friends I had. (I had used my moms network and computer when I lived at my parents, so I had some basic experience)

    And after a few months, I stumbled upon gaia, by a chance, as I was checking some random forum out about a game, and saw a link to gaia in someones signature.

    "Cool name!" I thought, and clicked the link, and ended up making this account here, and I got some friends here pretty fast. Lots of people I could get along with, and especially the girls... they were all so kind to me and sent me messages all the time. I smiled everytime I got a new message... >.>

    So yeah.. I really liked the girls on gaia, and among them, a swedish girl I started to get to like pretty much. Time passed and we made plans on seeing each other irl, (took a few months though) so we eventually did. I enjoyed her company, and she said she wanted to see me again.

    That made me think about my college time. How popular I wasn't. And how this girl suddenly gave me so much attention. Maybe it was a good idea to stay away from that certain feeling I now had when I thought about her. I felt so strong when I thought about her, and I wanted to live with her and show her all love I could give. And let her know I couldn't and wouldn't give up on her no matter what happened...

    After a year we had become very good friends and we were at the edge of the next level, or so I thought. Suddenly, she told me she couldn't be with me. I wanted an explanation but didn't ask for one. So I left her alone, thinking she was upset at me for something I had done or said to her... Or if she had been lying to me about her feelings all along and finally had the courage to tell me... Because I knew she was poor at telling people about things that could hurt them. I was troubled but couldn't show her I was. So I told her I was alright with it if it eased her mind to be away from me.

    "It's better to have loved and lost, than to not have loved at all." < I like that expression.

    How a pained heart is better than an inexperienced heart. But since I was so old when I lost my first love, it hit me pretty hard. I lost a lot of motivation and will to do things. I even started to act carelessly around my friends, and they wondered what was wrong. And I said "everyone have random moments" and laughed it off.

    So then, another girl on gaia was a bit extra worried about me and she didn't seem to want to give up on it, so I eventually told her what it was all about. She told me she had lost someone too, but she was rather happy about it in a way or two, but she also lost parts of herself with it.

    So we started to talk a lot, and one day when we were playing zomg together with a common friend, our friend suddenly yelled out "come on! what are you waiting for? LOVE EACH OTHER! D8<" and I had to leave the area because of that.

    Took me a few days to realize why I left and why I didn't answer their messages. I had gotten some feelings for this girl... but that made me feel like any other guy who throws feelings allover their surroundings for personal gain. I gave up on struggling though, and told the girl I liked her and she took some time to answer that, and told me she liked me too...

    That was in the beginning of this year... Now we're together, and we're planning on seeing each other... sooner or later...
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    If I look at all of this... I understand how little things can mean in the end. And how feelings can change from this to that in a second. And how one has to abandon things to carry on and not stay in the same pit of unwanted feelings.

    And... how you can't forget some feelings even though you know should let go of them...