• I don't even remember how the conversation started that day, we were all just sitting around the commons area waiting for the bell to ring to tell us to go to class. I don't think I was even paying much attention until Amanda spoke that one sentence that made something in my head just snap.

    "So you'll sleep with guys you don't even care about, but you wont do anything with a guy you like?" That one sentence still rolls around my head to this day, but its that one sentence that made everything that I had buried come out like a tidal wave.
    I had been sitting just a few steps away from her half in the conversation and half trying to look at the guy who I liked for almost half the year who sat in front of me. But Amanda had my full attention after that, rage and pain lit my veins like acid. I advanced on her grabbing her roughly by the shoulders, seeing her wince as I dug my finger nails in the fabric of her shirt.

    "Shut up!" my voice was strained from trying to keep it low and wanting to scream at the top of my lungs. "You have no idea what your talking about!" By this time by body had begun to violently shake and I could feel the tears sting my eyes as they threatened to overspill. I glared into her two wide pale blue eyes and I hated what I saw in them. I saw her fear of me and I saw her confusion. I wanted to make her understand and before I could even stop myself the words spilled out of me.

    "Do you know what its like to associate that which is supposed to be so ******** special to that one night?!" I could feel the eyes of the students around me, friends and strangers shocked. I wasn't the one who lost her temper, I was the girl who always smiled and laughed and tried to find peace. But at this moment I really could care less, "Do you know what I feel every time I do that?!" I pushed her farther back until she hit the brick wall that was behind her, "I feel his hands, the one ******** thing I remember so clearly was his hands!" Most of the people around us didn't know what was going on, some were smart enough to figure out what I was talking about, but Amanda was the only one I had trusted with the secret. I was talking about being raped as a child, I had played it off to her as no big deal but the truth was it had scarred me so deeply. Deeper than I had even realized.

    "I will never let any guy I care about go near that, because that night he did more than break me, He ******** ruined me!" And that's when it hit me hard, I could feel the tears streaming down my face, my body feeling as if I would go into convulsions right then and there. The wound was ripped anew and I could feel my body going numb to protect me from the pain that seared with the memory. I let her go wrapping my arms around myself trying to wish myself away. Looking back into her eyes one more time and I saw the thing I most despised. Pity. I hated it, I didn't give it and I didn't want it. I couldn't take it anymore, it felt as if my skin was raw and bleeding from the stares the from the people around us. With that I tore out of there, leaving my school books sitting on the floor. Somewhere behind me I heard a teacher yell for me to come back but I just headed outside the front doors. There was no chance in hell I was going back in there and that meant the only place to go was home. God, I didn't want to go there either. I knew I had blown it, the carefully constructed life I built outside of my home had shattered. Now both places where going to be my own personal hell.

    Standing out side the cool morning air helped to clear my head some, sighing I started off for home. The whole time I wondered what was going on inside the school, wondering what they thought of me. It donned on me that none of them really knew who I really was under the fake laughs and smiles, it seemed no one really bothered enough to find out. I let out another shuttering sigh it was going to be a long day and even longer year. By time I reached home my legs were numb, my face and hands red from the cold wind. I could hear my mother on the phone, she was livid, it really doesn't take long for the school to call my house and inform her I had ditched. I stood outside the door listening to her speak.

    "Oh don't worry I'll deal with her when she gets in." her voice was calm but the undertone of malice was clearly there. Wondering if it would be better to come back later when she's cooled off a bit, she threw open the door before I had a chance to decide. I cringed as I saw her face, her eyes wide the whites littered with red blood vessels, her pale skin flushed with heat, her thin mouth stretched tightly across her teeth, and of course the nostril flare. Yep, my mother flared her nostrils when she's angry. She grabbed my jacket roughly and pulled me inside, as I stumbled to keep my balance she started to go off.

    "What the hell is wrong with you?' I didn't answer because I knew nothing I had to saw would calm her down, I just had to wait until she was through.
    "Why is it every time I turn around your doing something stupid?! she advanced towards me, I flinched but I didn't move from my spot just stared at the ground. I could feel the tears coming back and didn't want her to see them.
    "Is this punishment for me? Am I a bad mother?" I wanted to say yes but I knew better.
    "Look at me you little b***h!" I knew I should but I didn't; tears were already coming down my face and I really didn't want her to see them now. She grabbed my jaw painfully and yanked my face towards her. I could feel my eyes go wide as she tightened her grip on my jaw. Pain seared through my face, I knew it was going to leave a bruise later.

    "What your crying now because you feel sorry?! I closed my eyes trying to clam the shaking in my body and silently hoping That the tears would either drown me or stop.
    "I said ******** look at me! She squeezed tighter causing me to let out a gasp of pain.
    "Mom, stop your hurting me." I opened my eyes and looked into her own, hoping she would see that I was sorry but what I saw wasn't my mother it was someone else, it was the person I saw every night that I wake up to find her rocking back and forth of the bathroom floor, covered in blankets and telling me to keep and look out for someone. She finally let go giving me a small shove along with it, it wasn't enough to make me fall but I did sway a little. She turned and began to walk away from me and I knew she was done for now. I was shocked, it seemed today I would let off easy. Just in case she changed her mind I ran to my bedroom. In there at least I felt some safety, crawling into my bed I let my body shake freely and I could feel myself starting to go into hysterics. I didn't want to cry loudly I didn't want my mother to hear, she might come back in and realize she's not done yet. I grabbed my pillow and buried my face in it, letting out a pain that I kept bottled up inside.

    Sparks swam and danced in my vision as I looked through the wash of tears. I could feel my heart beat heavy in my chest, painful with each surge of blood pumped throughout my body. As my body stilled and the tears eased I flipped over on my back staring up at the white ceiling trying to clear my mind of my shame. My fingertips ran lightly over my already bruised skin, tears springing back to my eyes and spilling over no matter how hard I tried to fight them. I moved onto my side, looking into the mirror mounted on my dresser. My eyes swollen, red blood vessels littering my whites. My pale face was streaked with black and grey from my eyeliner, fresh tears running over the the old ones. Biting down on my lower lip I buried my face back into the pillow, not wanting to see my own face, the look of hopelessness that burned in my Emelda eyes. My body began to tremble again, tears forcing their way from my eyes and into the soaked fabric. Clenching my fist, I dug my fingers deep within the fabric of my sheets, as if I could get a good grip I would lose the sense of falling. Sleep battered against my throbbing mind, an short escape from my world called to me so sweetly. I slowly began to ease into it, surrendering my grief to the endless night that filled my dreams.

    My eyes flickered, the pale yellow light from my lamp flew in and out of my vision. Yawning I could feel the dried tracks of my tears across my face. My heart beat had slowed, a low dull ache that came with it. It was an odd sensation, but familiar. It was the emptiness that I had always tried to fill. Rolling back unto my side I glanced at my window, with the blinds partly open I could see the bleak darkness outside. I had slept all day, a dreamless sleep it was though. One that left you more tired than rested. Pushing myself into a sitting position I looked back into the mirror, catching sight of the new yellowish bruises around my chin. They where light enough that I could cover them up, though the fact that they were there sent a jagged pain through my chest. My mind had been trying to make itself believe it was all a bad dream. A heavy sigh escaped my lips as I stretched my arms back out behind me, the motion relaxed my body more and made me want to sink back down into the covers and sleep. Pushing the feeling away I moved off the bed, wondering where or what my mother was up to. Apparently she had to have cooled off, for she didn't try to wake me up at all. Opening my bedroom door slowly I paused, waiting for a sound to signal where she might be. The house was silent, only the soft snoring of my dog and the occasional creak of the foundation permeated the air. The hall was dark, but I didn't flip on the light. Afriad to wake her if she was asleep in the living room.

    Making my way slowly, I tried to keep my footsteps quite, as I headed to the living room. The t.v was shut off, the lamp in the corner dark. Squinting I tried to make my eyes adjust faster to the dark, looking to see if I could make out a shape on either couch. Standing there int he dark I waited, my eyes slowly shifting into what I would call night vision. She was on neither couch. Biting down on my lower lip I turned around, heading back towards my room. Her bedroom was across the hall. The oak door shut closed, no light came from underneath it either. Pressing my hands against the cool wood I slowly reached for the knob. The metal was smooth and cold.
    For some reason the thought of death crossed my mind, shaking the thought away I turned the knob, my heart beating ridiculously fast against my rib cage. The room was dark, the floor littered with little lumps of clothing. Shuffling a few steps inside I reached out to feel the edge of the bed. Everything softer and more inviting than my own. Inch by inch I leaned forward, letting one hand hold me up while the other felt for where she would normally lie. My finger's brushed against a mix of thick blanket and cool sheets. She wasn't here.

    Pushing myself upright I reached blindly for the light switch. My hand banging hard against the wall right below the switch. Feeling my way up with a desperate motion I flipped the switch. Pale yellow light filled the room for her lamp. Exposing the empty bedroom to my eyes. I could feel the blood rush from my face, a crushing weight that settled on my heart. Turning from her room I ran out, flipping on every light on my way to the front door. The door was locked and in my crazed frenzy I battled with it for several moments. It finally surrendered allowing me to fling open the door. Street lamps light the outside world, the chill night air biting at me as I looked up and down the driveway. Her car was missing. Tears sprang back again, the painful throb pulsated in my mind once more. She had ran away again, but for how long? I figured I would get used to it sooner or later, but with each time it felt like a knife was going in deeper. Twisting with each thrust as to make sure my heart was ripping into little chunks. Backing back into my house I shut the door. Eyes boring into the white plastic, shock settled over my body. A comforting numbness to ease my pain. Moving to the couch I settled myself into the rough fabric. Letting my gaze fall on the t.v now, myself reflected back in it's black depths. It was a pitiful sight, my body curled into a ball as I huddled into the cushions.

    I wished I could disappear, the silence was now a screaming in my ears. My body restless, my mind slow as I jumped off the couch. I ripped open my backpack and shuffled through it's crammed mess. My fingers gripped tight over the object I was seeking, a sleek black calculator. Just the feeling of it made my body ease some, when it came into view my whole body released a shutter of excitement and fear. Running to the bathroom I popped off the back. Where the batteries should of been was a small silver blade, it's edge thin and sharp. Picking it up gingerly I studied it, the bathroom light glinted off the blade wickedly. Setting the calculator down I rolled up my sleeve. A row of pale white lines, barely visible against my unharmed skin, already healed. Taking in a deep breath I clenched the edge of the marble sink, my fingers turning red with the effort.

    Tucking the rolled fabric beneath my chin I looked for an unmarked area. A perfect place to write down a new chapter of my life, I found it. A smooth area between two line, the space an inch wide. The razor fit well between my forefinger and thumb as I brought it over to my arm, the corner of the blade pressing deep into my flesh. My body was numbed, only a faint spark of pain ran up my arm. Slowly and carefully, as one would pull a bow against a string on a violin, I pulled the blade across the skin. Seeing the small pink line it left behind. It took only a moment before my blood began to seep up, a dark vibrant red. Welling up on the surface, it was an odd contrast against my skin. Settling down the razor i waited, the cut filling with beads of blood. Some already spilling and traveling down my arm. I watched with a morbid fixation for a moment. Then pressed down on both side of the wound and pushed. The cut move in two, showing my the depths of the split flesh. My flesh, my blood. Blood seeped from my body, staining my skin. Yet I felt no pain at any of it.

    Losing interest I removed my hand, wiping it down my arm. Spreading thin my blood. A roll of toilet paper was nearby, I let go of the sink to rip off a couple of sheets. the hand that I had used to mark myself now held the soft white tissue to my bleeding arm. Cleaning was easy, there was tape in the little drawer. A few pieces held the tissue tight against my skin. I looked into the mirror, not realizing that it was my own reflection at first. Wondering who the stranger it was who stared back at me. Turning the crystal knob I let cool water run over my blade, removing the traces of blood and skin. Then rubbing the blade dry with a clean towel. The job was done, only one thing was left. I hide the blade back into my calculator, snapping the battery back close. Not feeling up to the trip back to the living room I just left it there on the sink. Making my way to the computer, my sleeve still rolled up over my wound. Sitting in the hard chair I stared at the screen, not really knowing what I was about to do. But anything was better than nothing at this moment.

    I signed into myspace, overused and over populated but I loved it anyhow. It was the only thing that kept me connected to friends I have left behind when I had moved away. Scrolling down the page seeing nothing of interest, no new messages or comments. Just some random surveys that are always posted. A sigh brushes past my lips, the numbness starting to fall away as I sink my mind into the world of the web. The only thing that keeps me tethered to the real world is the faint throb of my split flesh. Hours pass as I drift from one website to another. Finding roleplays to fall into, to forget for a moment that I was not one sad girl. Sitting alone in her house with the stink of sorrow and pain that hung close to her hair, skin, and clothes. It's not until my head spins and my eyes burn that I tear away from the computer screen. Glancing over at the clock I read, '3:00 am' Mother still hasn't returned. Although it is pointless I shuffle over to my phone.

    The plastic, strangely warm against my frozen hands, almost robotic-ally I dial the number.
    It rings out once, the sound loud and dazzling in my ear for I had grown use to the silence, it rings out once more. Still I await to hear her voice over the line. A third ring chimes in my ear, then the voicemail turns on. I wont leave a message, I never do but I stay on long enough just to hear her recorded voice. Cheery and sweet as it fills my head with thoughts of what once was. Defeated I hang up taking the phone with me to my room, just in case. It is too early in the morning for me to call anyone, not that I trust my voice anyhow. Once again the silence is ever pressing. Heavy against my broken body. Overcome with restlessness once more, I pace around my room. Sleep will not come again for awhile. Slipping back into the living room I flip on the t.v screen. Chuckling and I see what channel my mother had last viewed, which is of course the Christian channel.

    "Yeah mother, because your such a good little christian woman...." my voice is a harsh whisper. Punching in the number for the music channel I turn the volume up. Letting the fast rhythmic beats wash over me. It breaks up my thoughts, pushing their own words there instead. I take comfort in not being able to think, welcoming whatever the song might say to me. I let myself be carried through a world of false emotions, the ever twisting feeling of control is once again within my grasp. Words and rhymes beat endlessly into my mind until I can no longer take it. Flipping off the t.v I am once again stunned into the oppressive silence.

    I can still feel it, the ever present beating of my heart against my ribcage. Calling for me to let it be free of such a pathetic hull of a body. On these days I am almost tempted to answer, but to many times I have caught myself on the edge with a blade pressed against my chest. Ignoring it's call I go back to pacing around my home. energy wars against the pull of sleep, anger battles it out with sorrow. The need to go to sleep and sulk is balanced with the need to go out and find the worthless being I call my mother, but the moment I think it I take it back. memories of so long ago flood my brain. Smiling faces and tender hugs. It cuts worse than anything else to know the fact that it had once been something else, something better. Crumpling to the ground tears burst once more from my dry stinging eyes. 'Please death take me here and now, as I grovel here before you I beg of you take me.' my thoughts cry out among the unbidden wash of memories. Things that I want so much to be true but will never have again.

    Minutes blend into to hours which blend into seconds, who really knows how long I lay down there. My joints are stiff and inn my mind I can hear them creaking as I push myself up. Drained. All my fury, all my sorrow, all my tears gone. Slipping into the vortex that grew ever wider within me. I was past the point of caring, a dangerous place to be for someone like me. Slinking into my room I pause to look around, my possessions mean nothing to me. Just lifeless objects that clutter and gather dust. 'They mean nothing.....' even the thought was sluggish in my head. Crawling into my now cold sheets I don't even remember closing my eyes but I know that I was welcomed back into the inky abyss, where it shoved away all the years of pain and held me when no one else was there.