Note: I recongnize that I'm currently NOT a very flattering Chang Wufei cosplayer. But, she was absolutely adorable in my Miroku costume heart heart heart ! But, yeah... That would be Gaia's own Itsuna O. or, as I better know her, Emily (Note: I hope she doesn't mind me using her name here sweatdrop ). I noted on her a bit in my last Journal entry, but I wanted to take this opprotyunity, today, to actually talk about her and how much she really means to me.
So, in starting, I'd like to say that the dating scene has been sorta limited to me. I've only ever dated 3 people seriously (the rest being "pity dates" because I had several female friends, growing up, whom I loved as family, but not as anything more. And, of course, would hassle and guilt-trip me till I agreed to "go out" with them. However, it never lasted more then a day or two due to the fact that I'm an honest person and I can't stand lying to people. No matter what, I strive to be decent and honest. That and a flare for chivalry which demanded that I tried my best to be righteous and honorable. Living a lie, is FAR from it. So, allow me to give you all a brief synopsis of the "dating scene" for me; starting at the first woman I was ever serious about to the beautiful Angel that today's journal (and all of my being) is dedicated to.
So, I figure I'll color could these to show stages and differentiate the next two people I'll be speaking about. I'll start with Dark blue for the first one. And, maybe some Italics to represent the past. Anyways, their have always been people I liked, but the first to ever return that feeling was Mary. I meet her at the very first Anime South (Fall 2005) and we just hit if off so well at the con that I could scarcely believe my luck. And then, when she told me she was moving to wisconsin, I decided to go and visit her before she left; which is were our "romantic" relationship began. I saw her one or two more times before she moved and then we continued our relationship onwards after she was far North; utilizing the phone, internet, and Video conferencing.
It became so real to me, the feelings I felt for her, that when she asked me to marry her, I agreed! However, it was those same emotions that blinded me to the fact that there was things going on in the background. While I was far away, missing her and working towards getting a plane ticket to fly up and see her, she became "romantically involved" with another guy and I didn't learn of this till after christmas 2006. I tried to get her to open up to me, but she refused to talk to me. Thus ended my first real relationship. Holding the broken pieces of my heart and soul for the next coule of months; I didn't think that anything good could come back into my life. But, then, I began to develop feelings for an extremely dear friend... My best one at the time and even today. Thus, we move on to the second of three.
Shella is an awesome person, so I'll represent her with Indigo (since it looks more purple then violet does on this site sweatdrop .). Italics too. But, yeah, about three or four months had passed and I had a little time to both mourn my losses and contemplate what I was going to do next; I came to a realization that Shella (aka yume nezumi on my friends list) had somehow managed to find her way further into my heart then I expected. I started to contemplate it and, the more I thought it over, the more it just made sense to me. She was my best friend, after all, and an attractive woman. She was also different from Mary and far easier to acess.
The more I thought of it, the better it felt to me and, as such, I soon found myself pining for her. However, I didn't reveal this until she moved away in March or April of 2007; to which I learned she also liked me to. She said she would give it a chance if she ever came back and, as such, I waited to see what destiny would decree. As such, she did actually move back in August of that year and we started dating in September. We were a couple for a long time. I think we dated for almost as long as I had been seeing Mary, previously. And, in that time, I felt my feelings for her grow incredibly strong for her; thinking that things were going to work out and that I had found that person (at last) that I could call my own.
However, I suppose I should have taken it an Omen back when we first started when she would comment about being a "terrible girlfriend". She really wasn't as "terrible" as she claimed she was... She was just awkward. Or, so it seemed to me. She would reveal to me that she had some past relationships that were pretty shotty, but I did hope that I could prove myself different... And I did! But, I suppose the damages that had been done were already done. So, it was that on April fools day, quite incidentally, that she confessed her lack of "romantic" feelings for me and requested we renewed our friendship once again.
I was really crushed by this, but I held much of this to myself and agreed. In all honesty, it really does kinda hurt still today... Considering the events that would follow after; it felt much like a slap in the face. But, she is my best friend and I really do care about her, along with all of my other friends, so I wouldn't ever tell her nor, did I ever express that pain to anyone; with exception to a non-gaian friend whom was a real help to me in that time. At this point, I'll thank her for that... Though, she'll probably never read this ever.
So, now then, we come at last to the woman for whom this post is about and dedicated too. Closer friends and those whom are apart of my life on a more regular basis have heard the story from me, but I suppose I'll recount it for all of you. ... I'm going to use Italics again rofl :
So, Officially we were introduced at Anime South 2006 (Funny how I seem to have meet everyone at A.S. blaugh ). Anyways, I thought she was cute back when I first met her, but I was madly in love with Mary still and wholly expecting to be getting married in the following year sometime. So, I didn't pay her much mind then. However, we did become friends and, as such, we started to talk and to hang out on occassion (Cosplay meets, birthdays of mutual friends, ect.).
Now, let me note that here that she has always been a special person to me and one that I greatly enjoyed getting to hang out with. She has this... Energy about her. This aura of life which seems to just reach out to you intangebly and radiates it's warmth inside of you till you find yourself smiling just to be near her. She's a bubbly person, filled with incredible wit and an amazing sense of humor. She's beautiful, inside and out... And has an intelligence and a sophistcation to match her gorgeous looks. She really is the most wonderful person in my world 4laugh heart 4laugh ! But, I'm getting side tracked.
Anyways, I didn't see her for a while after Shella's going away party... Not really until the next Anime South, I think (though we talked over the net and stuff). At the time, I was dating Shella and, as such, was completely devoted to her. However, she really surprised me when she came to the con in a secret cosplay: A Naraku baboon pelt to compliment my Miroku cosplay. Needless to say, it was one of the greatest highlights of the con! But, also, as we all wandered back and forth... Chit-chatting and goofing around amongst ourselves; it occured to me that she talked with me and traveled around with me alot more then even Duo (Aka Shella) had. I thought it a flight of fancy that she might have a crush on me, though, so I really didn't give it much thought. However, it was something that made me think.
Well, time pressed on and heartache came in the form of mine and Shella's breakup. I decided to take a couple months out from the dating scene and just tried to cope with my losses and my hurts. Everyone, including Emily, had something to say kindly towards me to try to make me feel better, but I just figured that I was tired of the heartbreak and, in all truthfulness, was close to just giving up and not bother looking for a while. However, God's eternal wheels of fate continually grind forwards and the cogs that are fate were beginning to bring about a new turn for me.
At the beginning of May, we had another Customary summer meet. This time, it was at the waterpark. I, of course, was both a bit excited and a bit dreading of what the days events would unfold; knowing that this was probably going to be the first big thing of the summer and Shella was bringing her new girlfriend (whom is an absolute sweetheart and a dear friend now, as well) to the gathering. I won't lie and say I didn't have any aspirations for the day myself as I was eager to see Emily and to get a chance to hang out with her again. After all, I hadn't seen her since A.S. at the end of 2007. I was pretty excited about getting to see her and the others she was bringing with her.
However, first, I had to try to make it through the "awkwardness" there and it was very awkward for me to be there... Especially after a remark that was made by Shella (though she probably doesn't nor ever will remember that she had made it) that made me just die a little inside and narrowly caused me to leave before she and the others even thought of arriving.
However, I hung in there for the sake of her and all of my other friends and, by lunch, she ended up arriving with three of her friends. I was very happy to see all of them and began to hang out with her instantaniously. We started off laughing, joking, and teasing but, by the end of the day, I found that she was very much flirting with me. And, I, in return... When it was all said and done, she told me that she really wanted to start talking to me more often and I agreed that we should. And as I watched her drive away, it suddenly occurred to me that, if I started to date again,... I wanted it to be her.
Therefore, we began to have conversations over Gaia, here. A week and a half later, though, my life was devasted again as I had a death in the family. Not a human one, though. You can read about it in further entries, but my Dog was hit by a car; being the short of it. I was hurting very badly during the next week or so; not really wanting to go to work or to do ANYTHING. Yet, she reached out her compassion to me and was a large help in making me feel better about the situation. By June the 4th, I was feeling much better when we began the conversation that would lead to our dating.
It was innocent enough, really. She asked if I was ok before apologizing for bugging me. I wrote her back and told her she didn't "bug" me, then threw in a bad pun for good measure... Something about being happy to have her as a fly on my wall anyday. the next day, she retorted back that she would be more then pleased to be a fly on my wall; her flirtations self evident in what she was writing. Well, about this time, I decided that I was going to play the flirt, too, and replied back to that with,"That's fine by me. But, to let me know if she ever wanted to be a "Lovebug". Within five minutes of this post, she wrote me back:
"If that's an offer then I accept."
Those were the words she wrote back to me and I was left reeling in disbelief. Had she actually jut said that? Was she just playing around? Could she be serious? I immediatly proceeded to write her back and, in a nutshell, I told her that if she was serious, I didn't mind trying again with her. And, the rest is History!
It's now almost rounding 5 months since we started dating, and I can't even scarcely begin to comprehend how it was that I have ever been without her. She is absolutely, 100% my everything! My lovely Dragoness! The Sango to my miroku! An Godsend and an Angel straight from God! I know it seems like I'm exaggerating or, maybe, I'm just trying to just flatter her... But, as God is my witness, I swear to you all that I feel everybit of this way.
I love her. I want you all to know this. I want the world to know this! And, I especially want to make sure that she always will know this. I don't want her to ever feel unloved or uncared for. She is my heart and soul and light unto me when I was drowning. That light of God which shown through in my dispare and picked me back up; placing me in world unlike anything I have felt before. I've never felt this way before. I've never felt love this way before. I came close before... Had thought I had attained it once before, but now I see it was only the tip of the iceberg!
And, I have God to thank for everybit of it. They say that you shouldn't thank God so much for the prayers answered, but for the ones left unanswered... Well, I thank him for both anyways, but my point is that I am greatful for the ones that were left unanswered. Without them, I wouldn't even be in the state that I am in now I am so thankful for all of his love and his mercy for me; that he should care enough for a wretched, filthy thing such as me and deliver such sweet wonderful gifts... Such tender mercies... I'm very thankful to him !
Well, with that said, I think I'll go ahead and leave this journal for now... I just wanted to tell you all about my baby and just how much she really measn to me 3nodding ! To all of you out there, feeling lonely and like there's no hope for you... I just want you to know that you should never give up on hope and never give up on love. It really does find you when you least expect it and it is every bit as wonderful as you imagine it is... Till next time, kiddos!
Love and Peace!
~Lynx D.
