It's not supposed to be this way... It's not. Life is supposed to be beautiful. The Heroic knight is supposed to appear, vanquishes the darkness, rescues the fair maiden and/or day, and Love is supposed to conquer all things. It's the way that every story I ever read or watched or heard as a child went. Growing up, there were no grey areas for anything in this. As a child, I simply knew that such was the case... That the Hero would fall in love with the princess or the maiden and the story would end happily ever after. It was all black and white for me when I was a boy... But, boy's grow up into men and, for men, the world is far less "absolute" then anything we could have possibly imagine.
And, yet... Though I know the truth of the world, I still wished to hold on to this simple but, profound idea. After all, since I was a boy, these stories were my world and I wanted so very much to live in a world like those that I watched or read or heard about. I wanted to be the hero of my story. That brave heroic knight, both chivalrous and kind, whom could call a spade a spade and would charge into battle to defend the ones he loved... And, eventually, to fall in love with that fair maiden in whom would return my love and, no matter the difficulties or the danger, we'd live happily ever after.
I wanted more then anything to live in a world such as this and, as such, I have always tryed to model myself in that manner... I dare say that I've always been lacking in many of the area's of my life, but I've always strived to obtain perfection and righteousness and justness. I've happily lived my life as a servent to all for as long as I can recall. I can't lie and say that I haven't not told lies or haven't done things that were incorrect or wrong... But, I've always strived for honesty and truthfulness and tried to make myself as faultless as I could.
However, the one thing that I know I can say, with the utmost sincerity and truthfulness, is that when I have loved others... It has never been faked or superficial. I've always given my heart in the fullness of my capacity to do so. I've never withheld and I never drew back... Even when my heart was breaking, It still remained till a conclusion came and dust-clouds settled. However, it has been here, at this point, that I've always found the world I built was a lie and I am left face down in the dirt once more; clutching to the hollow, bloody remains of what was once my heart and left in the grey that encompasses my world to mourn my losses and writhe in my own agony.
Eventually, I find the strength from God to pick myself back up and try to repair the damage that has been done. However, each time this has happened, it seems that a piece of the whole goes missing and I'm left with a larger hole in the core of my being then I had the last time it happened. All the same, I've brushed myself off and returned back to my life and tried to mend until my journies lead me to the next fair maiden, for whom, I should fall for again. And, thus, the cycle has repeated...
When I was a younger man, the pain wasn't really so bad, but the resiliance of youth is very much the key to much of it. That, and I became very used to constantly being turned away and reviled. However, as i've become older, it seems that though the outer appearance is young, but the soul has aged more swiftly and matured more. With this, so to have the relations evolved and people began to take notice of me and I of them. I've never had a real girlfriend until Mary. She was the first to take notice of me but, in the end, she found lust a better option. I grieved for a while but, in this time of loneliness and hurt, my attentions were drawn to Shella and realized that I really cared for her as well. After a few months, I took a gamble; hoping to be able to earn her love and show her what a good man was like. I like to believe that she saw the latter and still sees that in me, but I failed to find a place within her heart and found myself dashed upon the jagged stones of sorrow and loneliness once more.
And now, currently, I am with Emily. It was a surprise to me that she should like me, but I had noticed some interest from her during the time me and Shella were dating. She was really there for me in the times of both happiness and sadness that followed me into the next few months that followed the break-up. I was really taken aback when she asked if we could start seeing each other, but I had grown to really appreciate her during that short time betwen my last relationship and, so, I accepted. The months that followed this were wonderful. I missed her alot as we were both a bit of distance away from one another, but I loved talking to her and roleplaying, and found so many things about her and her personality that I really loved and cherished... And that love only grew and blossomed more with every time that we were able to be in physical contact with one another and even through the trials that I faced through the middle of last year.
I really have grown very, VERY much in love with her! More so then I could have ever possibly imagined! And, things were going so incredible! I have never been more happy in my life or at any other time in my life then when I am with her... But, I guess that in all my happiness and my new found joy in love... I failed to see that something was stirring beneath the surface of things... I don't know when it was or how it was that it happened, but were I was growing... It seems that the relationship had begun to wilt.
I don't really want to nor really feel the need to emphasize any further on these events. Some of them I have already written about in journals prior and some of them are best left amongst the small group of friends between us that are privy to such informations. However, the poitn is that things have not been well since the middle of November and... Well... I honestly must confess that I'm scared. For some time now, I have been working to try to fix things... Have been trying to put in the effort. Have suffered much in the physical and mental aspects of my being over this... And,yet, it seems to have happened again. Once more, I find myself in the midst of the storm once again; my heart broken and battered, but still being held out. I don't want to draw it back unto myself. It's not in me to give up or to stop loving... Even if things look terrible and the worse is bound to be the outcome (and there are enough people predicting it for me).
My heart aches and stings and bleeds once more from the stress and the agony. My tears and cries burn both my eyes and throat. I've prayed, have prayed, am still praying, but I've still no settleness in my soul. I'm hurting and I'm weeping and depressed, but the ball is no longer in my court to control... To that end, I've relinquished such a right and all I have left is this pitiful heart in my hands; outstretched and there for the taking. And, there it will stay until this storm blows over and the haze of fate is clear to shine through what it is that destiny will hold. I am not so much a fool to believe that this time will be butterflies and rainbows, but I am praying to God that what will be the best outcome will be. I have made my requests to him as to what I would want, but it's not exacty in the Knight's power to exact his will over that of the kings... And, certainly not over the maidens.
No. That right has been revoked and I am left here to ponder what it will be that is decided when the day comes. To this end, I'm pondering over it still. I would give up my life, my world, my dreams, my everything to be with her. But, if she doesn't feel the same, then what good comes of these? I heard a song once... It said, "One is the lonliest number that you'll ever see. Two can be as lonely as one, but it is the number one that is the lonliest number..." There's the "honest to God" truth. Where there is only one person whom loves; there might as well only be the one person because the other will never return that affection. Even so, I've been doing this for some time now. Why, I do not know.
I've been questioning to myself why it is that losing her would be so hard and I've often pondered if it wasn't the fact that I am in love with her so much as it is that I am in love with a "ghost"... After all, in all of my thoughts and conversations and mournings, I constantly go back to the times before the relationship started to sour and am always wishing for those days to return. And yet, even in this dark time, I still long to hear her voice. To see her smile. To hlod her hand and to kiss her lips. I think, in general, It's a bit of both, really. I love her very much still, but I miss those days for when she used to tell me she loved me too. I miss them more then anything else in the world now. I wish I could hear her say those words again. I love you...
But, I don't want to hear them if they are a lie... I don't want to hear them if she doesn't mean them. To that end, if her heart is not in this relationship, I want her to tell me and for us to end this maddening charade post-hastily! Because, for as much as I love her and that I want to be with her... I want to see her happy. In the entirety of this relationship; within the entirety of my core being... Everything I have ever done has been for her happiness. I don't like doing things for myself. Doing things for me doesn't make me happy. It's in the service and in the serving and the helping and in the giving of myself that I find true happiness. After all, It's who I am! I exist to serve my Lord and I live to serve those around me; friend and foe alike. It was he same for my past relationships and will continue on far into the future... Whether it is still in this relationship or not.
But, all I've ever wanted was to make her smile. To make her happy. And, if I don't make her smile, then I want her to be with someone who does... Even if it's not me. It's often been cited to me that I'm to damn noble for my own good. That I should try to look after myself for once. true as it may be, that's not the way I am nor the way I want to live/be. There are to many selfish people in the world today as it is. I'm not one of them. I have no ego and I care not a damn about myself. However, it is for everyone I love that I am and shall continue to be long past the ages of men and the world. In life or in death or somewhere inbetween... This is who I will be. I give fully. I love fully. And, in giving and loving; I find my happiness and my strength...
However, I wonder to myself now... Is it really in me? Do I honestly have the strength to give her up if she needs to be given up? Could I bear the misery and the pain if she is to tell me that she wants to be friends once more and out of the relationship? Could I find the will to carry on without her; knowing damn full and well that I'll probably never find another like her ever again? The answer is yes... Though I'd be a lier if I said that I could pick myself back up off the ground so quickly. No... This time will not be so simple for me. Physically, I'm quivering, even now, in saying this and my heart hurts like someone's shoved a pole through it and is twisting it; wrenching my insides with horror and terror.
If I lose her, I don't know what I will do... Certainly nothing like suicide or anything to that degree. I really worry as to what I will do, though, to try to cope with this... Ashamedly, in both of my prior failures, I turned to a bottle for solance for a while. I don't like to get drunk and I don't like to drink alone. However, on nights where I just couldn't bear it, I did both. Already, I've bought a bottle of Vodka and my only reason for having not gone through it currently is because I have no money to buy a chaser for it. I must seem a pretty damn pathetic person for admitting this and, you'd be right for thinking it. But, I don't know what else to do... I feel miserable having to always break down on my friends... I just.. I hate ALL of this!
Well,... There's my entry for today for you. I don't want this to be something that get's people worried about me or anything. I'll always bounce back. It's a blessing and a curse, really. And, If you should happen to be reading this, Emily, don't allow this to effect your judgement by any means. I want you to take this time to decide how you truely feel and I want you to tell me what you feel is the best thing for you when the appointed time comes. Whether it's me or not with me, I hold no resentment towards you nor shall I hold any towards you for things past. I love you and I just want to see you smile at me again. I want to see you smile. You are absolutely drop-dead gorgeous when you do.
Anyways, I think I might try to scrounge something to eat now... I feel really numb inside, but kinda hungry all of a sudden. So, yeah... If anyone even reads this, your welcome to leave comments. Just, please, don't say your sorry or how this sucks or anything negative towards Emily. She's got alot to deal with and I very much am the one whom is responsible for a great deal of what she's dealing with; I'm sure. And, to all of my friends and loved ones whom have been standing beside me and playing my support... Thank you all and I pray that God blesses each and every one of you thoroughly throughout your lives. I love all of you... You who are my family.
Thank you all for listening to me...
Sincerely,
Jeshua Aaron Cook
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