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... The storm has ended and the haze has cleared... Emily gave me her answer yesterday. My heart lays in pieces once more, but there is little that could have been done to avoid this. She was far sweeter and kinder of things then what I am sure I am deserving and her Honesty (cold and brutal is it may have been) was the most valuable and kind thing that she could have offered me in this place and time. The last 7 months and 21 days have been some of the absolute happiest times of my life and I, in no means nor way, should ever hope to forget them nor to ever look down sadly upon them.

I love her, loved her, and shall continue to love her with all of my very heart and soul. More precious to me, in every aspect of my life, is and was she. I value her more then my very life, breath, and being and wanted SO MUCH for us to be together. I wanted SO MUCH for her to be the one. I still very much do. More then anything else in the world, I wanted to love and be with her. I really, truely, whole-heartedly love her! And, to that end, is why I must now do what I have been fearing and praying that I wouldn't have to do... For months, I have dreaded the day when I would hear the words and begged God for this day not to come. However, the day did and has already passed prior to today.

As such, there is little left to say or do and nothing that I can say or do or argue that would even make the difference. Then again, in all honesty, I wouldn't want to argue it to begin with. There is nothing to argue. In all that I have done and strived to do (and still strive even now) her happiness has always been the #1 priority for me. ALWAYS! All I've ever wanted was for her to love me and to make her smile. I told her this and I told her that if the day came that she didn't; I'd do whatever it took to see her smile again... To make her happy! Even if it meant that we should have to part.

Sadly, it seems that this is what it has come down to. I don't think she has truely smiled for me since the middle of Novemeber. I've worked so hard for this relationship and tried my best to put a smile back on her face, but I find myself lacking and for this I am both sorry and repentent. I wanted so much to be the man of her dreams... To be everything to her as she was to me. I'm not sure how it happened, along the way, that she suddenly grew so distant... That WE should have suddenly become so distant. But, if there is one thing I know, "long distance" relationships almost never work out. I tried to bridge the gap both physically and relation-wise, but one man can't hope to cross the pass alone. A one-sided relationship never works and only works to hinder and cause pain to both parties involved.

Many deciscions were reached yesterday and many paths and roads were contemplated. My goals are still intact (Getting my driver's liscence, moving in with K-chan, getting to my correct weight, ect., but after these two final decisions; I fear that it willbe just as I have predicted before... I'll be lost as to where to go from here. However, there are two things that I am adamant about and I shall heed to them, for good or for bad, for as long as it will take me to figure out where it is that I am going.

The first fo which is that I love Emily. So much so, in fact, that I will not argue nor try to persuade her otherwise against her decision. They say that love is like a bird or a pet. For a time you feed it, you care for it, and you help it to grow. Then, once it comes of age, you let it go. If it comes back to you, then you know that you were truely loved. Now, I'm not so much a fool as to believe that we'll be back together again in the extreme near future... Hell! I don't know if I'll ever see her again! But, for as lonely and heart-broken as I am over this, I want to see her smile again. So, I'll do that which I never wanted to have to do. For her, I'll give her her freedom and let her go. I should still like to be friends after this is all over and if she should find that her heart has changed and she would like to return to me, if time and fate has not changed the way I feel or changed the course of either of our destinies; my arms will be opened. For you, Beautiful, my arms will be open.

This leads me into the second decision that I have come to. From here, I can't just curl up in a corner and shut down. As much as I wish that I could just shut down; there are far to many people depending on me and I have my life to have to carry on with and live to the best of my ability. It's time for me to be the rock that people can lean upon again and return back to my quest and to my service to both God and man. However, after all of this, my heart is still broken and my soul vexed with both despair and a hateful loneliness that I have not felt in a while. I feel very much cold and hollow as of right now and I've grown tired of constantly placing myself out and working so hard only to lose every single time.

I'm very tired of being lonely, but I'm more tired of being hurt everytime I let people get close to my heart. I'm tired of being with people and loving them only to find that they don't love me and be left broken and miserable at the end. And, I am most sick and tired of finding my feelings and my heart shattered and rejected. As such, I've come to a conclusion of sorts. Until my heart has mended enough that I can stomach the chances of this happening again or until someone can, finally, just accept my heart and my love unconditonally and is willing to return that with their own: I'm done. And, when I say "I'm done"... I mean that I am done with relationships and I'm done with Dating and I'm done with wanting to "See people", as it were...

I just can't stand the pain any further. I can't! Everyone tells me what an awesome guy I am and how loyal and how talented and how this and that and whatever. The truth, though, is that if all of this were true... Then, I'd not be in this place nor in the shape that I'm in. People don't leave people that are "amazing" or "wonderful" unless extreme circumstances happens to seperate (moving far away, death, ect.). It just doesn't work like that! There is no such thing as "you're a really wonderful person, BUT...!". It's called, "lying to make a person feel better" and I don't need to be lied to. I know that I'm not much to look at. I know that I'm lacking in more then several ways. Certainly I'm seeking to improve, but I'm not perfect by any means.

I'm a 26 year old, GED graduate whom is still incapable of driving (though I will be shortly), living in a roach-infested, heatless, nearly refrigerator-less, nasty tender box trailer (about to move into a nice apartment, though). I'm a geek and a Nerd with an acne problem and still overweight (alot less so then I was and still working on it) and working as a Customer service lead for Winn-Dixie. No college education and barely any remaining book smarts from his time in Technical school (although, once liscenced, I'll be trying to get back into technical school). In short, your A-typical loser stereotype.

The only things I have going for me is my personality and the few art's I'm mediocre in. But, like I said, I'm improving and I will rise above all of this to do/be better then others that I've been surrounded by in my past and the Bullshit they've spoken over me. I will become a better person. A smarter person. A wiser man! I wil succeed past the wretched comments and life traumas that sought to destroy me and I will help all those around me to succeed as well! I'll do this or die trying! But, I'm still so very far away from this... And I know it will take time. But, I shall do it.

Anyways, I think that's a good enough entry for now. In all honesty, I need to take a shower and I need to take a couple of more things down... In all honesty, i am really very scared and lonely and depressed and heartbroken right now... But, I will get better. Emily left me with a line when she wrote me... She stated it as being "Cliche", but it is very much the truth:

"Time heals all things."

I will heal, eventually. And, I will continue to love her as well... It's just that it'll have to go back to that simply plutonic sorta love... back to friendship. If we will ever be more again or if I'll finally ever find someone to love me in return, is a mystery. A mystery that God has not seen fit to shed light upon... As of yet. However, I hold no ill-will nor ought against Emily and I dare say that nobody else should either. I'm not the only one suffering, here, in this decision. Every man and woman has to decide what is right and what is good for themselves and their lives. For good or for bad, answer or mistake; we make or choices and live with what we choose. I requested a final answer and she gave the one that would make her the happiest right now. Honesty is all I can ask for from the people I care for and that is what I got. It proves more to me that I was right in all of this... That she really does care! It's just not in the same way that I was hoping for nor that she could find it in her to offer in return to my affections.

So, there you have it. I'm alone once more and will be back to the tasks that are mine to accomplish once more; bearing my cross and the weight of it upon my shoulder once more. To all of my Family and my dear friends; To Duo and Evey and K-chan and Kerby and Shino and Fem. Dave and Naomi and Kelsey and Misty and everyone whom has stood beside me and helped me throughout the good and the bad of our relationship: Thank you all! I love all of you very much and appreciate your friendship. Though apart of me will still be so very hollow and alone for a while, I know that I'm not ever be completely alone when I have people like you beside me ^_^. And, Emily... After a little while, I hope that you will see fit to contact me every once in a while to say "Hi!" and I hope to see our "Fan Girl" at the Next AniRAGE perfomance and many more to come. Take care of yourself, beautiful... Talk to all of you later.

Sincerely and Humbly,
Jeshua Aaron Cook