so here's the deal. no, i'm not eating enough. yes, i know what i'm doing. saying "you've gotten so skinny!" or "you've lost so much weight!" is not an insult to me. those are good things to say to me. i love my teeny tiny skinny wrists. saying "you should eat something!" isn't going to make me eat. i'll probably just say "okay" or "i did" or something and then it's over, that's the end. i won't buy food when we go to fast food places. really, neither will you, because they don't sell food, they sell deep-fried grease chunks made of chemicals and injected with fat, sugar, and sodium. so no, i'm not going to even order some fries. i'm quite content just smelling them. i love the smell of fast food. it's warm and slippery and thick, and i will never ever put it into my beautiful body. i enjoy watching people i don't know or don't like eat fast food. i feel so good about myself, because they are gorging themselves on chemicals and grease and empty calories and garbage, and i am not. i remain clean and skinny, unbloated. it makes me sad to see my friends and people i love eat that trash because i don't want them to get fat and greasy. so no, i will absolutely not eat any of that overprocessed sickness. i don't have the money anyway. and when i do, i'm not going to throw away five precious dollars on two thousand evil calories. i won't let you buy me any of it, either. don't waste any more of your cash on disgusting harmful chemicals. i really don't like owing people money, so don't keep offering. i do appreciate that you're worried about me. it makes me feel cared about. it can get a little annoying to be asked every single day if i'm eating or if i have eaten or what i've eaten. but hey, it means someone's looking. it means someone's noticing.
man am i sad right now. but it's a weird sad, like i'm really unbearably lonely and i need someone to just pet me. but i also want everyone to be happy, because maybe then some of the happy will spread onto me and i can feel awake and warm and safe again. i just feel run down and i think it's because i didn't eat much yesterday, but i worked sort of a lot. like i did a lot of exertion that my body's not used to anymore. it makes me sad that my body's not used to it, too, but i don't feel the same passion for construction that i used to and that makes me very very sad. i don't want to give up my roots in tech, because i love tech and backstage stuff and creating beautiful set pieces. but i also love acting and being the center of attention and being complimented and admired for a talent that you can't otherwise see by just looking at me. i also love stage managing and being everyone's mother and problem solver. i love being responsible and respected and relied upon. i love running sound and lights, too. i love the little affirmations and "good job"s i get when i do well. things like that make me try harder, make me do my best. i feel lazy if i can't find the energy to jump up and help with everything.
i look so good. my thighs really are slimming down, and there's nowhere near as much cellulite on my a** as there used to be. i can stand up straight now, and my hip bones are showing again and my wrists are tiny. i feel clean and strong and beautiful. i'm not really a fan of the tummy thing that's goin on right now but i'm pretty sure that if i stick to this workout routine i'll have it fixed within a week or so. ugh, i never want to look or sound like that, breathing heavily just walking across a room, hunched up because the fat is taking over your body because you don't have enough willpower to say no to a grease soaked wad of chemicals masquerading as food. what harm can one burger and fries do? i'll tell what harm it can do: it will make you fat. no ifs, ands, or buts. if you eat that kind of garbage, you'll become an obese mouth breathing slob who only thinks about when they can get their next hit of additives. it's sickening to live in a society and community and nation of these creatures. it makes me so sad to see people i care about being sucked in by neon lights, bright colors, promises of savings and at the same time a healthy nutritious meal. they are tricking my loved ones, the way they tricked me for so many years. i have been betrayed by the pretty words and appealing pictures of treats and desserts. i am liberated from these things, i have freed myself from the grease slathered deep fried claws of the fast food demons. i respect myself far too much to clog my arteries and heart with the scientifically engineered poison of these institutions. my body is a temple and it is undergoing renovation. i am removing all the excess that is blocking the beauty of my structure. i will not stuff this delicate piece of art with full of dirty greasy slimy garbage. i will nourish it with the bare minimum it needs, i will be efficient with its energy sources, i will maintain and upkeep it at the gym and decorate it with fine cloth and jewels. i respect my body. i am a goddess. i want people to love me and pay attention to me. i want to be made up and draped in jewels and finery and elaborate clothes and admired. i respect my body. i will lie my skinny body down at night to rest and even while i sleep it take care of me by burning up the excess fat and strengthening the muscles, and when i wake up in the morning i will do my part by feeding it pure clean food, but not too much of it. if i go grocery shopping i'll get some more of that chicken like mom got, the kind in strips because those are way easier to have only one of. it's like oh, i'm having one piece, one serving. with the big ones that's harder to do because they're so much bigger and they get all chopped up during cooking so you don't know what's one serving and whatnot. also the small ones are, well, smaller, so i only eat 55ish calories instead of the whole 110.
i want some attention. not right this second, but later tonight or tomorrow or something. i want someone to care about me. i want concern. or admiration. or something. i think tonight is gonna be a go on zomg and yell a bit night. i just want someone to say something, good or bad. but i'm not gonna go dropping hints to people i know or anything. i'm not gonna talk about symptoms or bring up weight or food or body image.
my face is getting so thin. it looks amazing. my jaw is so defined. it's so sharp now, nothing like it was in december. and my cheeks are getting sunken in and not all chubby anymore. and you can see my hipbones and wrists, the way you're supposed to be able to.
eating a lot used to be so easy, now it's getting hard to do.
i'm pretty sure i've become completely apathetic because of the whole lack of food thing. i kind of want someone to hold me. i kinda want someone to ask me if i'm okay, hug me. i would like some gentle physical contact right about now, i think. i dunno, like that time jules came over and and just snuggled with me in bed. i don't really want any sexy time right now. i just want some care or a compliment. like a real heartfelt "you're really good at that" or "you're really smart" or "god you're beautiful" compliment that doesn't come from a family member. i'm gonna tell everybody something really nice about themselves today. i want people to respect me and think that i'm worth spending time with. yeah i want everyone to think i'm hot but i also want them to think that i'm worth talking to because i'm smart and can carry on a good conversation. maybe i should start being a little less fear and loathing all the time. like yeah, i really am like that. but i can be gentle. i can be quiet and responsible. i can be loving and sentimental. i am sensitive. i'm a person. i like it when people say nice things about me, i really do. it makes me glow, it gives me warmth. i just want someone to notice that i'm sad. it's weird because sometimes i really do feel happy and full of love and life, when i'm around everyone, but other times i just feel so alone.
yes, i am starving myself. i want to be thin. i will be thin. i will be beautiful. jiggling is disgusting. candy tastes awful. sugar and calories and guilt all taste the same: bitter like bile and sickness. fat will weigh down your hopes and dreams. fat will ruin your life. nobody wants to see a pretty girl jiggling around. no one will want to see you naked if you're fat. you may binge every two weeks at the most but you can only eat 100 or less calories the next day. always burn at least 150 more calories than you've eaten that day. the chocolate peeps are gone so don't even bother fantasizing about them. you MAY NOT eat after 8pm no matter what. the poisons from last night will be gone by this time tomorrow. short careers and eating disorders only go together in the song. i will be a beautiful thin model. i will be a beautiful thin actress. i will be a beautiful thin tech. i will be a beautiful thin fairy. i will be envied. i will be lusted after. think of fish and s**t and vomit and cat piss. this is what candy tastes like. these are what fat tastes like. these are what ugly taste like. fat people don't win beauty pageants. i will be able to get any man i want. i will be sexy when i'm in my underwear, in a bikini, in the nude. i don't want to win any beauty pageants. i want to win at life. hunger is temporary. food gives you a stomach ache. thin is an art and art is beautiful. this is my secret weapon. this is my pride. this is my warm little happy center that i don't need to tell anyone about. if i absolutely MUST say something i'll yell about it on zomg. my thin is what keeps me going. i can create strength by imagining the fat moving and putting itself to work. the fat i still have will be used against itself. the fat i have is energy. when i feel too tired to move the fat will power me and burn up as it does. candy and sugar and fattening foods give you heartburn which is no fun. avoid heartburn at the same time as avoiding fatassness! it's a win-win. people only think it's hilarious that you were a huge fat butterball baby if you're really skinny. this is called irony. fat girls don't get hired. eating less saves money. the thinner you are the less fabric you need for costumes. it's easier to take something in than let it out. hunger and emptiness are far better-feeling than bloatedness and heartburn. you remember how all that chocolate and sweets tasted, so you can just imagine eating them. portion control is key. make it impossible to get heaping seconds, or even heaping firsts. this isn't really deprivation because healthy food is rich and delicious too. savor the food you do eat. eat slowly. give thanks for each bite, each taste. break the hold food has over you. yes it smells delicious and warm and happy but you don't need all of it. you can take 2 bites from a very full plate or pot or pan and then stop. you can look at a delicious meal and turn away. you don't need the food. it is not alive and it cannot force you to eat it. you are a strong person. you have willpower like a crazy mofo. you can look temptation right in the face, look at it steaming and dripping and smell it right in front of you and turn away. eating means washing dishes and washing dishes sucks. oh god it hurts. this hunger is a black hole and it is sucking the fat into it and sending it to another dimension where it can never touch me again. think about brownies. they're really not that good. actually they're not good at all. if i ate right now it would just hurt. if you wait it out you won't even be able to feel it. i'm not going to become a statistic. watch people eat. it's sickening. smack smack breathe gulp smack aah. disgusting, disgusting. food is slop. food is genital warts and necrotizing fasciitis and vomit. this belly sticking out is so ugly and uncomfortable. it will be banished. i will expel it from the temple that is my body. hip bones are beautiful. hip bones are gorgeous. they are there to be grabbed and held on to. they're perfect for a man to come up behind you, grab onto and hold you close. collarbones are supposed to stick out. they're for kissing and biting. you can't love these bones if they're covered in fat. you can't love love handles. eating less means packing less in your bag. hunger is pretty. starving is pretty. stabbing heart pain hunger is not okay. 300 calories is a lot for one sitting. 300 calories is too much for one meal but very good for a whole day. beef broth tastes awful. the only kind of chicken broth that's okay is the 5 calories a cup kind. the only time more than 5 calories per cup is okay is if there's nothing else in the house at all and you can't just sleep off the hunger. in another 24 hours the poisonous binge will be gone forever. being thin is worth being cold. fast food - carl's, bk, mcdonald's, wendy's jack in the box - they all smell better than they taste anyway. it's enough just to crawl inside the smell and warmth of the fried oily grease - i have no need to consume any of it. eat only half of your food. then give the rest to a homeless person so you can feel twice as good about yourself - you used self-control and helped feed someone who wasn't hungry by choice. people will admire you for being thin, beautiful, AND kind. be proud of your accomplishments. you are a smart person. processed foods come in crackling loud wrappers, which are annoying. don't be annoying. they are also a beacon warning telling everyone that you're eating garbage. if you are what you eat, i want to be fresh sweet fruits and lovely flowering vegetables. people like me. i'm smart. i'm gorgeous and funny. i'm talented. i have four wonderful careers open to me and i'm not even 20. my serotonin is through the roof. but don't try too hard. don't panic. life is gooood. i am a beautiful healthy vibrant young woman. i am a sheep with a solid gold jaw. hunger will make me thin and thin will make me rich. i have friends. people listen to me. people care what i have to say. people find me attractive. i'm an intelligent woman. i'm a hard worker. people recognize me. willpower is my energy. i have a colorful life force inside of me and it picks up fat and destroys it and turns it into clean energy for me to work out and make me stronger. i glow. when you don't eat, you don't fart and have yucky gas. always keep moving. don't let a binge get you down. you'll bounce back. your body can take care of it and get rid of it. love your body. don't try to kill it and hurt it by feeding it disgusting oils and fats and chemicals and sugars. love your body and feed it beautiful foods like fruit. i want to be someone's thinspiration. i will never be old and saggy. i will be young and lean and tight and smooth. it's okay to have a little cellulite right now because it means you're a real human. you are also a work in progress and ideally, eventually, there will be no more cellulite ANYWHERE on my body. a growling tummy is a fierce tiger woman inside of me. my hunger is my strength. when i go to bed at night and feel my empty tummy i feel satisfaction and accomplishment. i want someone to draw me. compliments are another energy source for me. i don't need food to function. my fuel is willpower and self love and compliments. fat hangs on you like a parasite. getting rid of fat is like cleaning your soul of every dirty disgusting unpure substance or chemical that has ever even looked at it. the bathroom is not a dirty place. it is a place where waste and toxins leave my body and i come out of it clean and empty and spotless. i will be thin. i have a solid gold jawbone.
i just wish i could paint or draw or express my feelings with art.
i will not buy anything i could binge on. i will never ever purchase sugar or candy or sweets again. i used to be able to eat whatever i wanted. i could eat an entire steak and a box of sees candy and look exactly the same the next day. god i miss those days. i get so unbelievably sad when i think of them because it was so simple and easy. when i was hungry i would eat whatever sounded good to me. if i wanted a treat i could have a huge bowl of ice cream with whipped cream with no guilt or regret or anything. if i wanted to eat 12 cookies at once i could and i would. i could sneak bites and enjoy going out for lunch with people. i was so happy. i didn't have to worry every single day about what i ate or if i was eating too much or anything like that. i could really enjoy nice food. i could enjoy food in general. and i took it for granted. i never realized how lucky i was.
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a little bit of insanity
mostly tekteks in the beginning, then it's about food.
TRIGGER WARNING!
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