|
binge
i will not panic when i eat more than 300 calories on the days i assign them. those are still less than 1/4 of the recommended servings. switching up the amount i eat is how i lose fat. you have to confuse the fat into being digested and getting up to move. if i don't feel an insane overcoming urge to binge, i won't. even if it's sunday. even if it's been over a month. i made it a long time before my first one so i can hold out even longer for my next one. maybe i'll never have one. one bite is okay. be careful because one bite can lead to another and another until you've eaten everything. only take "a bite" if it's someone else's food and it's impossible to take another. never order a meal with the intention of eating "just a little" because you will eat the whole thing. you'll think "oh what harm can one bite do?" or "oh well i haven't eaten much all say" or something stupid like that and then you'll keep having "just one more bite" after another until it's all gone and inside of you and you've just started yourself on a huge binge because you couldn't just have self-control and stop so now you want more and more and more because you've unleashed this monster and you lose everything and the next thing you know your stomach is swollen to four times what it should be after eating and you're in so much pain and misery you can hardly move and then the guilt sets in and all you want to do is vomit or exercise or die but you can't do any of that because vomiting is too hard to do and you're too much of a coward to put your fingers down your throat to get rid of all the self-loathing that's just sitting there in your distended tummy. and you can't go exercise it off because even if you do a million crunches the bulge will still be there for another day and a half and taking laxatives is useless because they won't help you because by the time they start working you've already absorbed all the calories, so there's not even a point to ******** up your intestines. and you can't just curl up and die like you want to because even though you feel like your stomach lining is going to burst and all of your insides will fall out along with all of the guilt that you just ate, because you feel like you have to keep moving, keep trying to burn any calories you possibly can, to get a head start on the upcoming week because you know that all you'll think about for the next two days is the monster slowly oozing its way through your body and you know you'll be exercising like a madwoman to try to come out even again. and you can't just go to sleep because you're not supposed to sleep after eating so there's no way in hell you'll go to bed with that mass just sitting there inside of you, so you have to stay up and be in pain and feel guilty and anxious and miserable and try to distract yourself in any way you can but you can't watch tv because everyone on tv is thin and in shape and happy in their smallness, so you go to the computer but what do you do there? you can't go look at thinspo sites or pictures because then you just feel like a huge fat load and a failure for having such a weak moment and letting yourself go like that. and it's hard to go on facebook because you want to talk to someone, you want to tell them that you are weak and that you slipped and ask them for support and to feel sorry you and reassure you and say nice things about you but you can't do that because you can't just come out and say oh hey i haven't been eating but i just ate a whole lot and now i'm having a panic attack, can you please keep me company and comfort me while i freak out? so you try to make normal conversation but you can't focus, you you want to get up and move around but you're weighed down by everything inside of you so you just stay put and try not to beg for compliments even though all you really want is for them to tell you that you're worth more than your weight and appearance, you're valued and that they don't care what you ate in your moment of weakness. so maybe you can distract yourself for a while but soon your stomach starts rumbling again, like it's playing some sick joke on you and making you feel hungry underneath the boulder already sitting there, so you either refuse to eat and sit there suffering the feeling of hunger and being stuffed at the same time, or you break down again and tell yourself that you're only gonna eat a little more but then you stand up and see all the food sitting there and you don't know what to only have a little bit of so you have a bite of something and it's so good what harm can one more bite do? so you have just one more bite until it's almost gone and then you feel guilty again and you head back to sit down and you see something else that looks so wonderful you just have to try some of it and since you're already in so far now you might as well just keep going so you do and you eat and eat and eat and eat until you've gorged yourself like a wild animal and you're completely taken over by shame and guilt and self-loathing. then you pretty much just repeat the whole cycle until your stomach feels settled enough for you to go to bed or you feel so tired you can't even hold your head up or your eyes open so you go to sleep and lay there and are uncomfortable because you can't find a good position to lay in because if you lay on your side your stomach hangs down and pulls and hurts. if you lay on your back it all pushes in on your insides and tries to suffocate you. if you lay on your tummy it pushes in and you get all heartburn-y and you just feel awful. so then you finally manage to fall asleep and in the morning when you wake up you realize that you aren't hungry like usual and then you remember last night and what you did and then all the guilt and shame comes back and you get out of bed and the bulge is still there so already your day sucks because you know that all day you'll be thinking about it sitting there sticking out of you and you'll feel like everyone's looking at you and making fun of you even though you know that no one's actually going to notice it or care even if they do see it. so you wear something kind of baggy to cover it, but you still know it's there. and you feel like you should eat breakfast but you're just not hungry which is the only redeeming part of a binge. so maybe you eat a little and you go about your day hardly eating anything and you feel good about yourself for eating so little and you wonder how you're managing to have the energy to function when you've only eaten 90 calories all day and then you remember last night. but at least you're using all of that substance to power yourself through the day. so you feel a little better, especially if you manage to get to the gym. the next morning you wake up a little more normally, you're kind of hungry, but the bulge is still there. hopefully you'll manage to toilet some of it out and you'll feel better because you know it's almost all gone. once you get all of it out you feel so relieved and clean and you're re-energized and you feel ready to get back to your diet and you do and for the next few days you feel so good about yourself for sticking to it even though all you want to do is go on another binge even though you know the repercussions. and then you get back into the swing of things and you're able to banish all your cravings for sweets and re-learn how to be happy without chocolate and fat. but your tummy is still sticking out and now it looks weird because even though your hipbones are sticking out like they're supposed to, your tummy is a bump too, so you need to find a way to get rid of that. so you starve.
|
