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I honestly don't.
If all we are is ******** buddies that get jealous of other people in our lives, and we're probably destined to fail - then why even bother?
We're just drowning further and further down into this s**t hole.
Its making it harder on the both of us.

I love you, but I don't think I'm in love with you.
Then why get jelly of other people.
Then why have sex.

Friends with benefits.

We can't be anything because of this distance.

But I don't know if I can handle this anymore.
Its killing me.

We're just avoiding loneliness.
I don't want you to just disappear even if this makes s**t harder.
But I don't want you around either.
I'm ******** afraid of you.

This didn't solve anything.
I'm more confused than ever.
I want something more.
Because I know for a fact I get jealous over other girls, and that I don't know if I could handle you just pursuing them.
Its almost like you were reassuring yourself when you said that.
I'm so ******** confused.

Its such a thin rope that connects us.
Its going to break any moment.
You're so afraid of being alone.
And I'm so ******** afraid of you.
Of what I feel for you.
Of what I'd do for you.

Its not possible to care this much for someone.
Its not healthy.
I can't take it.

I preferred it when I was selfish.
Commitment weighs on me.
I wish you'd just choose.

Deep down I know that I want something more than this.
But if you don't think you're in love with me, then we can't be anything.
We're just two people struggling not to be alone.

Would things be different if I lived down there?
I feel like I'm always trying so hard, to be what you need.
To be everything for you.
Maybe I should just stop.

Can I continue this?
Because you know we are more than ******** buddies.
******** buddies want nothing other than sex.
You want companionship. You want to feel warm and embraced.
Sex buddies just want that climax.
Connor, you want someone to love.
And to love you back.

And I think you know I can't give that to you fully because I don't live there.
I can't satisfy you completely.
That's why you don't want more than what we are now, well maybe you do but you know better because of last time.

I was okay with this.
Us being what we are. But I don't know anymore.
Because without me even knowing I fell deeper into whatever it is I feel for you.
I don't even know what it is.
I love you but at the same time I'm afraid of you.
You're the only person I'd sacrifice so much for, and that freaks me out.

I'm such a horrible person.
But honestly.
What's the point in this if all we're ever gonna do is be a step below dating.
We're everything a boyfriend and girlfriend are minus the whole I love you.
Are we just using each other? ******** I don't even know anymore.

Honesty I was going to just use you.
I was going to go down there, get what I wanted and just ******** destroy you.
But the more we talked and the more time I spent with you, I just couldn't.
You're so fragile. Its so innocent.
So when I went to visit I was going to resolve my feelings, make you choose "either we become something or we're nothing at all"

But I got so scared.
Its almost like I need you in my life.
I was happy there with you, but when I left everything felt different.
I don't know how to describe it.

I feel empty.
We're so ********, Connor.
This relationship has become so twisted.
I hate talking about all this but I feel like it needs to be said.
I want something more from you.
I don't want you to pursue other people.

I guess in the end one person does feel stronger than the other in these kinds of relationships.
Would you seriously be okay if I just started dating some guy?
I just feel like it'd get messy...Because if our other person ever like..Didn't fulfill us, I feel like we'd just go back to each other. That we'd cheat on them with each other.
And keep it a dirty secret.

Maybe I'm just scared because you're the only guy I've been interested in for like ever.
Yeah other guys flirt with me, but its annoying as hell.
They're not on the same level as you are.

What the ******** is the point of this journal?
I guess I'm just spilling my heart out to you.
In some attempt for...I don't even know what.