Well, yesterday, I kinda left off on a bad note in my journal. wink Here's the rest of the happenings of that day. It gets better so I don't mind anymore.
So... I got home, mother was yelling, I got annoyed and yada-yada-yada, I look myself in my room to stay away from her. After a few minutes of her banging and saying crap to me through the door - things like: "You're never going to grow up!" "You're such a child and you're too stupid to know it!" "You're life is never going to be worth anything cuz you never listen to your own mother who knows what's best for you!"... ((and so on and so forth)) - she finally goes away and leaves me in peace. I get the time then to write what I wrote yesterday in my journal here, then I tuck myself into bed to go to sleep. It's my anti-drug for those of you who haven't guessed yet. sweatdrop Sleep makes me feel better.
...But I didn't really sleep. I guess I was more stressed than I thought I was cuz I was experiancing one of those wierd sleep modes where you're asleep, but you're also awake - like you're aware of what's going on around you. sweatdrop Something like that. Well, my dad ((who retreated outside, remember?)) came back into the house and came into my room quietly. ((I unlocked the door before going to bed.)) I felt him sit on the edge of my bed and then reach over and stroke my hair. Made me feel really special and better.
After dad stroked me, I did fall into a little sleep. I was still aware of how slyly my dad went on my computer to play games, rolleyes but I didn't care. By just that simple action, he made me feel so much better and I was able to sleep for a few minutes.
...Now, I say a few minutes cuz that's how it was... When I once again returned into that sleep/aware-mode, I could hear my mother complaining and wailing outside my door. Saying the same crap that she was saying before basically. Only this time, my dad's inside the room and she doesn't know. stare Obviously, my dad gets pissed and gets off the computer to go "talk" to her. I could hear them outside in the living room. They're arguing about how messed up of a person I am and how I'm not going to accomplish anything in life. Or that's my mother's argument at least. My dad's arguing just the opposite - he's on my side.
But then... the conversation took a different turn. My mother then started verbally attacking my dad, saying that he never listens to her and always sticks up for his (good for nothing) daughter. She screams that she wants a divorce and all that crap.
NOW - I break.
The last thing I want is for my dad to get messed up with my mother. And I feel responsible now cuz they were arguing about me first. Dad doesn't deserve to be talked to like that. He didn't do anything wrong. And I knew that that statement angered and hurt him cuz he was really quite after that. I lost it. I sat up in bed and kinda dazed off into space for a few minutes while I was listening to the ongoing argument outside... Then I looked in the mirror and saw that I was crying without realizing it.
I got pissed then.
Not that I blame myself for crying or anything. I know why I was crying. I was just pissed off that the reason I was crying was because of my mother - and how she was treating my dad and me. The only person she's ever really nice to is my brother - and he's too dense to care. I was beginning to think that if they didn't stop soon, they'll end up hurting each other or I'd end up running out and hurting my mom.
So, I got up, dressed and grabbed my school bag that pretty much has my short-term-life in it. I walked out to the living room - and I got there just as mom and dad split up and walked to the back yard or the kitchen. I reached the door and opened it. I would've been out the door if I just hadn't bothered with shoes. Mom caught me then and pulled me back in. She had the kind of look that says: "You heard all that?!" I wasn't about to pretend that I hadn't.
And so, yet another round of yelling and screaming ensued. Dad came rushing back in and saw me on the floor cowering from my mom's hands. He pushed mom back. And then... more yelling.
It ended when finally dad got mom into a corner and talked to her yet again. I was still on the floor where I first fell, shaking. Not crying any more, but just shaking. I could hear my mom complaining about me again. Dad was trying his hardest to tell her that the only reason I want to leave was because she was making things hard for me. She didn't buy it... not right away. But I guess the idea - and the truth - sunk into her and she sent me to my room. I dragged my feet cuz I didn't want to go back... but I also didn't have the energy to leave now. I was just tired - mentally, emotionally and physically.
Dad followed me in, and talked to me. Talking to dad helps. It always helps cuz we know each other and knows what the other's thinking. So, it's kinda like talking to a grown-up me. Needless to say, I felt better. Dad went out to talk some more with mom, and I laid back down on bed to rest a bit.
A few minutes later mom called from the kitchen. My first instinct was that she was calling me to tell me very calmly and rationally that I was the one that was wrong and that I should apologize to her so that I could keep living at this house. The usual scenario. And the usual end to all things cuz by then I'm too tired and too fed up to care anymore. But I braced myself and went out, more than ready to just get it over with and go sleep some more or something.
I reached the kitchen and stood still. Mom looked at me and then pointed to the stove. She announced like she had that morning that we were going to have guests over in a bit and she needed help in the kitchen. I was a little weary cuz she's used a similar tactic before - get me to focus on something else and then hit me with something hard or poke me with something sharp. But after five minutes of just standing there and no other indication from her, I started to stir the pot.
An hour passed with her giving me instructions and me dodging around her to get them done in the kitchen. And the thing that was really wierding me out was that she was acutally talking gently to me. This was new. Usually, the tone of voice she takes with me is one of someone already annoyed and trying to hide it. And of one straining not to shout at me. But... this was new. Needless to say... I was very suspicious.
But things passed without drama and I began to let my guard down. It was getting really tiring to keep looking over my shoulder at her and out the side of my eye to see what she was reaching for next on the counter. And I guess it was for the best because nothing else happened that night. Our guests came and I hung out with the guests' kids. An eigth-grade boy named Chris and his little fifth-grade sister, Klarissa.
It was cool. Later on they left and my family just kinda lazed around the living room watching silly Korean sitcoms and comedy shows. My brother was really hyper - tackling and playing rough house with my poor dad. wink He's still such a kid. Mom and I sat near the opposite side sipping our coffees and watching them.
Then my brother had an insane idea and brought out the old family albums. It was... very chessy but fun. It almost felt hypocritical of me to laugh along with my mom and dad and brother when hours before the same day we were yelling at each other and our parents were talking about divorce. But it was good - and we all needed it. In the end, I picked some of my most favorite pics of me and my brother and scanned them into my computer. wink I ended up showing them to Tanuki later that night.
So, things are ok now. sweatdrop It almost is silly to think how people change so fast - literally overnight or less. And today, mom didn't say much about my driving - hardly anything. She had admitted last night before I went to sleep that she was only concerned about me and that she wanted me to do well. And by trying to teach me... she got carried away and only ended up assuming the worst. And it's not like I didn't understand - I knew it from the beginning. wink It was cool though hearing it from her own lips. Looks like mom can say that she's sorry - even if it's not directly. That's good enough for me.
And so, I'm ok now. It's part of the reason I said that today's a better day. 3nodding It's still going to take about another day or so for the normal life cycle to settle in - cuz everyone in the family is being very careful not to tick each other off - but it'll get better. It always does. wink sweatdrop I'm ever the optimist - remember? whee
Thanks for reading, you insane people~!
heart ~*~ K17_K47_K175UN3_CH4N ~*~ heart
And now... sweatdrop for those who are curious, here's some eye-candies for sticking through and reading my journal for me. 3nodding You're the best~!
My brother when he was barely a year old, and then about a year and a half old. heart whee He was so cute then~!!
A series of pictures of me. I'm around three years old for most of them. The ones of me around the top-right corner is most recent. Yes, I'm seventeen. sweatdrop What happened to me...?
And then~ cuz we all need a laugh before finally leaving... And cuz I wanna have fun - a pic of my brother wearing some questionable clothings~!!! whee xd heart LOL.
=The End= 3nodding heart Bai Baiz~!!!
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