• Ive heard people say that addiction is like an abusive boyfriend. Especially with eating disorders. They refer to it as "Ed". He makes so many promises and wants to take you by the hand... he keeps his promise, he makes you thin, but kills you in the process...

    But I always believed that such a diseases did not deserve to be compaired to anything human. It did not deserve a name such as "Ed". Rather, this disease is more of an entity- with no face, no eyes, no brain...

    Rather it wanted to steal my face my eyes my brain, my soul and make all of them its own. It has no gender- for boys are girls both fall victim to its clutch. Its an entity. Its pure evil. It rejoices when it steals a life- then moves onto its next victim. It makes you feel special and in control when really- those are all just lies it tells you to make you feel like "the only one".

    As you get sicker and sicker you become a zombie, wasting away and people tell you that your "inner light and shine" has died. But you're too sick to care.

    The entity took me around the age of seven when I started excersizing and restricting food. I dont know why I was ashamed to eat anything in front of anyone else. I would run around in circles and then weigh myself

    "not good enough" the entity would tell me.

    Kids would bring in candy and I would never eat it

    "you're disgusting, come with me and I'll make it better" it would say... I would believe it. This is where it started to steal my thoughts.

    When I was around the age of 15 I started purging for the first time. I didnt think it was a problem.

    "its just something that some girls do"

    "its only a bad habbit"

    excuses. excuses. excuses.

    In early 2010 is when it got out of control.

    "its our little secret. this makes you IN control" it would tell me.

    in Early 2011 I started having heart problems. I knew where it was coming from but I didnt ever admit it.

    Havent you heard? teenagers are invincible... I didnt think I could or would ever die from this.

    I thought I had this under my belt.

    I couldnt have been more wrong.

    In late 2011 purging alone wasnt enough. I'd given myself pancreatitis and started anorexia with bulimic behaviors.

    I would do anything to purge. Whether that be swallowing bathroom cleaner, vomiting in bags in my closet, or going to a public place such as a park so that my family wouldnt catch me. I was purging up to 20 times a day, started vomiting blood, and lost 45 pounds between october 2011, and april 2012. Before I left for Timberline Knolls, the residential treatment center I went to, they said that if I did not get into a hospital or rehab by the weekend, I'd have less than two weeks to live. I was down to 84 pounds and would start to faint if I walked too long. My heart rate would go up to 160 and my blood pressure would drop dangerously low.

    But the entity had already convinced me that "I was a lost cause".

    I tell you it was the lonliest feeling in the world. I realised I wasnt in control but couldnt do anything to stop myself from acting on my behaviors. Not even the people I loved most- my friends from church could talk sense into my head.

    four days before I left for rehab I started saying my final goodbyes to people from church. I would hug them and say "please remember I love you very much".

    I was convinced I wasnt going to make it at this point. Really. I thought I was going to die but somehow thought I'd never get better.

    April, 2012 we got a call from TK saying they had a bed for me. it was a miracle. I didnt know if they could help but it was the only way i'd ever come close to recovering.

    While there I met other girls just like me and we wrked together to get better. Everyday I got a little stronger and a little mor motivated, untill I got sick of being in rehab and my insurance cut out and they sent me home short notice- I was actually supposed to be there untill July.

    I never thought I'd see the light like this. I never knew I was so loved untill I started getting so many cards in rehab. I never thought I'd miss people the way I did.

    I'm still fighting everyday, and then I remember its either me or the entity that would win.

    A girl in rehab told me to stop hiding and that everything would be o.k if I didnt hide anymore. I got chills.

    how did she know

    I asked her.

    she said "it wasnt me, it was God."

    I believe her.

    Thank you God.

    Thankyou friends.

    I wouldnt be here without you.

    thank you for reading my story