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Rant of a Semi-Intoxicated Dragon (Aka: Realizations)
Dear journal,
It's 11:39pm on May 20th, 2008... and I've just finished the last half of my Bottle of Bacaradi Bahama Mama mixed drink. In all honesty, I'm a little buzzed due to the small amount of food I've eaten this evening, but I feel a little loosened up right now, so I suppose I'll delve back into the wonderous world of my dysfuntional relationship(s). So,... I'm sure you probably are questioning: "What's got this sad excuse for a Dragon so bummed out that he had to turn to drinking this evening (a habit I ussually do when I'm in social situations or when I'm just really depressed... But, never to get drunk)?" Well... Regretfully, two things. An assumption being the first and the realization of how much the Assumption was a lie being the second. Allow me to explain.
See, since my last post and with all of you being my cheering squad (and by "all of you" I mean all of my friends whom have commented to me here and those I've talked to outside of Gaia), I decided to try and just get over it and go on; continuing to be friends as ussual and just not thinking about it. Well, things felt like they were doing really good up until the Spring Get-together as of recent. We had a big 20 person gathering to go to the waterpark and My Ex-GF (current BF) and her Gf were there. Well, no biggie... I was friendly enough and remained so for the entire event. However, it really almost wrecked my day when I overheard a conversation the two of them were having with one of our friends and she listed me and some other folks as coming to her Birthday. However, in the very next sentence, she completely shut me out by stating that her new Girlfriend and one of our other friends had been the only two people to get her anything. It was, 100%, an absolute lie. I had gotten her something too... Outside of the fact of us being boyfriend/girlfriend. I spent $100 on her; purchasing her a ViP ticket to Metrocon and a ticket to Janicon! It was $100.00 dollars I didn't have to spend, but I spent it anyways because I wanted her birthday to be special. And with her family drama at home and not having a job, I was just wanting to show how much I cared...
Now, note, I'm not trying to sound like I'm resentful of doing so or anything becuase, as I said, She's my BF and I really care about her. However, to be denied in such a manner really hurt me alot.... It was like a Kick in the face. I mean, basically, she just said I came but, wasn't even decent enough to do anything for her. Well, anyways, that was just the forebearer of the sorrow and sadness I'm experiencing this evening. It's something that happened about 2 weeks ago or so, but it felt a little relevent to me at the moment so I figured I'd mention it. Anyways, onto the truth at the heart of this matter.
So, you see... I'm an idiot. A complete fool, really. I honestly thought that I was getting over this very well and that it wasn't going to bother me no more. However, this evening, about 30 minutes prior, I decided to check Deviant art again to just see what was up with everyone. At this point, I really feel like I shouldn't check ANYTHING anymore. It seems I just keep bumping into things which only serve to depress me further. Anyways, she had an update on her life in her Dev. Journal so I read it. Turns out she got a new job and things are going better which really makes me happy for her. However, as I read on, she began to talk about her personal life and then mentioned that she and Evey had been dating for a month now.
Trust me when I say that I know that something like that shouldn't drive me to drinking, but it's the fact that she made a deal of it... Back when we dated, I'd make mention of how long we had dated and how happy I was and she would just sorta shrug and act like "Oh? Your keeping count?" But, now... Now that she's seeing her... It's become one of those things where it's like," Hey, we've officially been seeing one another for "blah-dity blah" *insert excitment here*. Now then, I'm not going to lie to you all... I know this sounds like Jealousy and, in all honesty, I think I really do feel this way slightly. I hate to say it, but I do some... But, it's not like that I'm unhappy for them or anything. I just hate it that I couldn't have gotten the same thing. I was always the "giver" and never once did I recieve anything... Except for that single kiss on New Years; the first and only time in the 2/3rds of a year we had been dating that she cared... Or, maybe it was just pity. I don't know. Anyways, I'd be the excited one. I'd be the one showing all of the affection and how much I cared. I was the one to always discuss how I felt about us and everything surrounding us... And, all I ever recieved was a reminder from her on how much of a terrible Girlfriend she was. I just feel so extremely betrayed and insignificant right now... So absolutely miserable over all of this. And then, it dawns on me...
I'm not over it as much as I was hoping...
Far from it, maybe. So, I just started crying and crying out to God. No answers or anything, but it made me feel better to vent to him. But, I still felt like s**t. Thus, here I am, about thirty minutes later and a little buzzed still. Truthfully, I should be sleeping right now and greatful for all the good things I have... And happy that she has found a love that finally works for her. But, I just can't help but, feel like such a sad, petty, ugly, little fool. I think a little sleep and some prayer would do me a world of good, so I'll go to it in a few... Some interesting news before I leave, though...
I might be moving in with a friend in the city... SO, that means the return of my most beloved cable again ^_^! Yatta! ANyways, I don't want to make you all worry or fret. I'm really fine. I just needed to get my feelings off my chest, I suppose. I just wish, for once in my life, I could find someone whom loved me for me and that I could, in turn, love and that we could be happy together. I'm so tired of being heart broken and lonely. It's so horribly cold and hollow within me right now. So very empty... Anyways, I love all of you (including her and Evey). I hope you all rest well and have a better evening and day then I'm having... Much love!
~Lynx D. (Jeshua)
P.s.
Being the next morning now and completely clear of mind, I'd also like to add a special thanks to Memory and Gecko for their kind comments in my last Journal. I sincerely appreciate you guys. God bless you both 4laugh !
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Community Member
You're only human. With a Dragon Heart and Soul.
Don't you ever feel ashamed or guilty if you feel any sort of jealousy from this nor disappointment. You most likely weren't drinking just because of that slight detail, but the whole ordeal overall. The sum. However, that reason alone could understandably give cause to drink. You depicted yourself in a positive, eccentric manner, very much glad to have been with another for a time. Therefore you were giving quite a lot, which is a good thing! But she hadn't given anything at all. Your giving might've drawn her to, subconsciously, not try to give at all which is horribly lazy of her or anyone in any sort of relationship for that matter. razz And now to do that with another is quite nervy. Then again, it just depends on the person. My last two boyfriends [at separate times I swear!], will be referred to as MaleA and MaleB. Both were ecstatic to be with me and heaped me with attention. MaleA marked our time together, but I disregarded him for the most part. After meeting MaleB, we both were giving and taking, as well as quoting our affectionate era. Now I have my hopes set on a certain MaleC. Off track. Okay but, yes, you see? You aren't an idiot, a fool, or a weak person. Being apart from someone can cause a torrent of dismal ebulition. Some days you feel fine, until you see something that reminds you and then you're again cast into anguish. Time truly WILL heal you along with sparse other things; friends, venting, etc. It happens to everyone, it's common. You're being strong about this and being mature. Nobody can blame you for drinking or feeling down. At least you have the sense to remain friends with the lady and Evey. And I do hope you've felt better over the course of the week and this hatching weekend, we appreciate and care immensely for you too. :]