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Its as if the dream I had before was predicting my unhappiness and feelings.
I woke up on the ground outside of my trailer. I was in the middle of the road. I got up and looked to my left toward the train yard, after the train yard you can see a great many of buildings set ablaze. The sun was bright and hot, it was in early in the afternoon. The air felt thick andit felt as though I had to force the air to go into my lungs. I go up to the fence that lined the train yard and stared at the city (if you can really call it that) that was set ablazed. A plane overhead caught fire and crashed over the hill a few blocks down from where I live, many screams were heard. The grafitti on the side of the trains seemed to provide some sort of solace within this mad world I'm in. Soon that peace was broken by many voices chattering madly from no apparent direction.
They asked me who I was, who am I trying to be, who am I going to be, when is lunch, what colors are the sky, why I'm alone, and so on and so forth. I lean my head up against the chain linked fence, it was hot, and seem to slow the voice a bit. I looked up at the sun, the onslaught of question kept coming, some meaningful, others ridiculous and stupid. The sun seemed to grow brighter every second, until it engulfed everything within my view. God I hate the sun, the voices quieted and finally ceased.
Peace once again, until a strong contolling unearthly voice shattered in to give a message. Even within the white light I saw black words as if they were smashed up against my eyes, words of various sizes but with the same crazily scribbled text. But it was the voice that implemented this command that I followed.
Voice: WaKE uP!!!
As I did "wake up" I found my self in a dim circular room. There were two windows. I got up and looked out of them and then I noticed that I was in my head and these were my eyes. Due to the fact that my head is now a room, did this signify I was stupid and empty headed? Either way, I just staggered back a bit and sat myself down in the middle of my empty skull. I tried to think but my thoughts were interrupted by a crack. I looked around the boned room wildly and saw that it was a light crack into my skull wall. That crack soon turned into letters, and letters spelled out words, and those words spelled accusations with truth.
Coward. Pathetic. Weakling. Many words, some I don't feel comfortable to tell you so I'll keep them secret. But know that some of them I simply couldn't handle, due to that I started beating myself and run around the room wildly, screaming. I scratched the insides of my head, I continued to run all around this room to its very corner still screaming. I wanted it to stopped, I was forced to read the words carved into the inside of my skull and with those words I heard the voices reading them aloud. The end result was a single sentence that seemed to be engraved into my brain. "You are many things, but nonetheless you will always remain to be nothing."
After that I gouged out my eyes to stop reading and inturn stop hearing. The pain shot through my head, my "eyes" were tightly shut, but when I opened them I saw the room but not the carvings. The room was an actual room masked in pure whit, but the windows still remained in place. I felt a dark and malevolent presence in the room but before I can turn around and greet it, it seized me.
From their I saw my own face from outside of the room. My eyes were dark but briefly I saw flashes within them and those flashes revealed sillohuettes. But I was the smashed through the side of my skull (once again) the fragment of my skull were bloody at first, but as I fell further they turned into glass. My clothes also change to a suit and tie. I continue to fall, buildings were starting to sprout around me and not to long after I hit the ground hard.The glass shattered all around me as it hit the ground.
I couldn't moved. It hurt so bad. I coughed up a bit of blood and looked up into the dark city sky. I didn't know where I was or who I was supposed to be. But I was dying alright, my head dropped from the sky to my side and I saw many people on the sidewalk stop and gawk at my demise. Some cars stopped to look while others kept on going.
Did I commit suicide? But I wouldn't want to drop from a building for the pain it cause and just in case I wanted to wimp out. Was I thrown? Murdered? What? But I still remember the feeling. Emptiness and loneliness, I remember that the whole day felt like that, infact pretty much my entire life, I can relate to this in some ways.
I looked up into the sky and continued to wonder why. Then I woke up.
Not really, I was in a nice bed, in an apartment, staring at the ceiling. The rain pattered against my window, the window was huge and let in light with the patterns of rain. Something heavy was on my arm. I moved my arm slightly and felt a breast, I quickly withdrew my hand away. Her body was cool but also held a comfortable warmth. She was turned away from me so I didn't see her face, as a matter of fact I didn't want to. If this is the future then I would prefer that I would never see this or experience this.
At that same exact moment a voice came forth and asked.
Voice: Why?
I got up quickly and went into the bathroom. I looked in the mirror while the question still persisted. Along with that persistance came a realization, one I once knew but I hate to look at. I like misery, it was/is my life and I feel I need so I just want to be miserable. But I don't want to be miserable I just want to be happy and loved. But I don't understand this, its as if I can't escape it.
In a fit of rage I punched the mirror and staggered to a corner all the while punching myself all over my body. I fell into the still quarelling with myself. This is what you would consider inner conflict, except it should be in one's head. Is this why I hate myself so? Because my sides keep conflicting against one another for what they believe they need? I noticed the whole while the woman in the other room didn't wake up.
I grabbed the nearest shard of glass and started stabbing myself with it. Then, I woke up.
 Langendorfer · Mon Aug 31, 2009 @ 08:41am · 0 Comments |
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